Not Forgotten, Not Tainted.

I remember those days when we first saw the trailer for the upcoming Final Fantasy. FFXIII we were so excited for, weren't we? There were the FFVII and FFIX lovers who were hating on it because everyone has an opinion on what is the best Final Fantasy... but we were all lovers of the genre. Some odd years later, FFXV is announced.

Before I jump into the present, I guess it's safe to say that I am remembering you right now because we came from a particular genre. We were all pulled in and we all fell in love with the community. We were all just avatars that became somewhat of a group of friends--some of us got closer. You, well you were part of the trio, more or less. You were one of us. While I don't agree with how you ended things, I understand now. It took me years to get it, but I do get it. I understand. You didn't hide out of cowardice. You didn't go out like a martyr. You simply .... just took care of your own and for that, I can't blame you.

So now what do we say to this new game, old friend? FFVIII lover you are and I am FFX all the way and despite our differences, we were always looking for the next game (except of course the games like FFXI that didn't count; I wonder if you disregard FFXIV like I do, as all true Final Fantasy fan should). We were always looking forward to the next world our Final Fantasy will take us.

That was some odd years ago, friend. And despite it, I still think about you. You, the true victorious vixen.

I miss you, old friend. The one who did it right. As you walk in the shoes of Noctis, as Locke watches you play the new generation, might I hope that part of you remembers those days.

=)

Always,

"Mr. G" 

To this Day

I did a lot of things different this year. I had a different mentality than I have ever had for a long time. It served its purpose right. For the most part, I decided that his day, the majority of it, was going to be spent on my own doing the things that made me... me.

I never thought there was going to be some comfort in just watching friends laugh and talk about everything... there was a slight satisfaction from seeing lovers young and old revel in each other's company... Everyone had someone... everyone cared for their specific other person/s... while I sat alone. Alone in a sense that, it was just the comfort of knowing that I have myself and everyone ... is just everybody else.

I know the cold truth of this lifetime and what was done wrong. I know that... no matter how much I try to say things or make people see, everyone and anyone just thinks I'm a broken record... it's because people don't get or understand or want to understand(for a myriad of reasons) that I am a broken record. Life changes people to hear. Pride gets in the way. Obliviousness and lack of motivation. So many things to list...

That's okay. People are people and this lifetime has shown me so many aspects of them. It also taught me a lot about how and how I am in relation to them... it also conveyed to me that there are very few who tries hard to be better than themselves everyday.... I know I fail at it, but at least I know I try.

I tried last year despite being skewered with life's problem.

This year I realized that no matter what, I am always alone.

Next life time will be different. Very different. It will be better for me. And I will do whatever it takes to make it that way.

So here's to another year then. 

Rage: Start Again

I messed up tonight.

I lost another Fight.

I still mess up.

I'll just start again.

A world where there is no conflict. A day where I don't have to fight. A minute where I don't have to warm up. A second when I don't have to dodge.  

When is it really over? When do I just try and pick up what is left and we all just set aside our pride, our differences, our disdains, worries, strife and hate. When do we face our reflection and see what is missing and what is foretold? When do we realize that we all have our mistakes and we all have fallen so far from grace? 

When do we stop fighting? 

When do we live again? 

Life is far too short, far too volatile, and so full of things to enjoy to just wallow in defeat, in rage, and to not have ownership, loyalty, or any kind of honorable meaning. 

The fight has perpetuated for far too long and we have lost what was and what is. It's on all of us, not just one, it's in all. 

I am not articulated with these words. I am a creation of doubt and despair. I was created to fly so high that we leave the world below....

But now I am as I am. Lacking victory... seeing only the destruction that this war has created. 

When do we give in? When do we admit? When do we get up and decide that we won't fight anymore?

When do we start again? 

Just You and Me.

I remember. I will remember from now on. Even if it kills me everyday, I'll remember. I'll keep it in me to forever remind me of the things I have done. So I will pay for the things I have done and for the situations I have created for you and me.

I remember when we were young. I remember the first time I saw you. I heard you. I remember the days that rolled by that will forever define what you and I are. What you and I were meant to be. Despite the distance, despite the obstacles, despite the things the words and the disdains of our own disagreement, we were always meant to be. We were always meant to do the things that we did. It was our own. It was our memories. It was you and me. Just you and me.

Just you and me.

But I took a step into eternity. I took the vows... and after all these years you finally told me how you took that. What the days meant for you.... the facade you had to put up. The loss you felt. But you were always in my thoughts. It was always you. Will always be you.

Despite it all, we kept on. We moved on. We were always just you and me. You smiled, I smiled back, and we held each other into depths of the unknown despite it all.

But the great definition came. My abhorrent choice. My stupidity. What the vow didn't break, what eternity couldn't do, this one did. Heroes came. Fallacies came. And the years rolled by and the walls kept getting taller between you and me.... Walls I built.... and walls you had to build. You had to take some solace... you had to rebound from the heart that I shattered.... you had to take comfort in a hero who would built his own agendas with you, all the while he promoted my own stupid choices.

You had to watch as I built my walls and shared my dreams with you. And you watched. You listened. You smiled. And despite it all.......... you smiled and you were there. You are here.

I'm here again. I'm back. A bit lost. A bit bruised. Shaken. And forever living each day with my regret.  I regret the pain I have caused you. I regret having thrown away all those years. I regret not being there when you have felt your loss. I regret not taking heed to the memories that you gave me. I regret not letting this side of me out at the times you needed it. I regret forcing you to deal with these emotions, forced to move on while I kept mine buried....... I regret how it is now. I regret my vow and my choice for entering that empire. Now there is more distance and we are working our way through. Now there are poisons, laughing everyday at my mishaps. Now there is no eternity, and I only have myself. And perhaps this is what I deserve and I'll live everyday to remind myself of my regrets. I will live everyday in anguish because the one person that truly was genuine, warm, loyal, and loving, spent years behind a defined wall suffering, as she confided with heroes and second rates.... now I am mocked. Judged. And suffering.

And perhaps that is my karma. And I will live the rest of my days paying for it. I will live everyday enduring what my mistake and regrets have done.

But I promise you, I'll try to make things right. I will ensure that in this lifetime, I will rebuild some of what made us, US despite the factors and the hurdles. Despite the poison of others, despite the notion of what is and what isn't. I will define what it means to be you and me despite the vows, the legacies, and despite ALL of my regrets, I will make this lifetime be the bridge for the next....

And next lifetime, it will be just you and me. I will make what if into a reality. I will have a bullet for every hero's head that gets in the way. I will have remedies for every poison.... And I will fix all those lies. Your smile won't be a beautiful lie. And what we couldn't do when we were young and what we are now... it will happen. I fucking promise you that.

Just you and me. And the only regret we will have is that everyday won't have enough hours for all the things we will do and all the memories we will create together... side by side. 7=)

Judgement

Where do you come from? What are your qualifications to stand there and judge me... judge -us-? We who are tainted by the mishaps of our decisions? We who are imperfect, lower, mongrels, and inadequates? Who gave you birth, right, and power to see us lower than what we could be? When did you gain that knowledge, that experience, that right to tell me what I could be, where it could, how I can be, why did she, and how it all came to pass?

What worth gave you the strength to carry that hammer and strike the ground and claim us unworthy and shower me with your 'rage' when you come from perfection. When the horse you sit allows you to breath the air of a perfect and sheltered atmosphere?

I can ask and demand that you stand where I am. I can tell you and try to show you what tragedy, what imperfections, and what pain really is, but you have lived a life of a perfect world where your means of pain barely fits within the definition of my own.

I don't claim to be better because I lived my life in shambles, emptiness, and despair. In fact I hold a bit of jealousy because you lived a life that's superior. But you have hounded me... us because we failed more than once. Because we slipped, we claimed our avarice, because at time we just lost ourselves in our own imperfections.... because we lost ourselves in our pursuit of happiness... you say we are capable of hurting people with our greed.... with our flaws... have you looked in the mirror lately? Have you truly sat there and tried to see things from our stand point? My standpoint?

You claim your grounds. You say your existence meant good things. You stay despite at the behest of the broken, the damned... you gloat, you smile, you serenade me with the memory of my failures and what I will never be in this lifetime. You remind me of what I'll never have and not once have you tried to even remind yourself that you are human... a human far blessed but still capable of causing despair.

It is not my job to judge you, but it is my job to claim my grounds that I have lost. It is my right to tell you that you do not know my life, my place, my world, and the people that are in the same world as me. We are broken, lost, and at times foolish. We make mistakes, we are incompetent at times, and there are times when we will regret our actions. Some of us move on, some push it away, and there is me who will live in that regret everyday.... But I know my mishaps. I know my faults... and I live to admit them until the day I die.

Perhaps I am truly lost. Truly wrong. Truly inadequate.... And perhaps you have your right to smirk until the last of the stones that once held bridges sinks within the weight of my mishap.

Know this, however. Your second life will resemble this lifetime of mine. You will know what starving means. You will know what betrayal means. You will find out what losing someone truly means. You will know lies like no other. You will shed tears that will cause your mind asunder. You will feel emotions that are so heavy that it will encumber your chest to the point where you cannot breathe. And you will walk the same unforgiving ground I am walking in.... and we will see if your heroic judgement will have a place after all.

Poison

Poison

-a substance that is capable of causing the lines or death of a living organism when introduced or absorbed. 

---------------

Humor me.

I have lived a life full of tragedy, mockery, betrayals and lies; failures and disappointments, regrets and rage. Now I'm at another fork in the road.

Life has always been as it is. My story is driven by the events all around me; people are people and I wish at times I meet different faces, or at the very least, faces that I don't have to keep on their feet, or faces that don't say what they are but in the crisis of a pivotal moment, keep choosing to make the 'easier' way because adequate judgement surpass them.

I wish there was a way that people will just let me remedy my mistakes. Where people can just let me remedy the sins I have committed... let me erase the events that caused the poison to spread.

I once had it all but it came crashing down. Now I'm here and in the wake of my fall, I experience life for what it has always been. The funniest thing about this time is that people who have not felt tragedy are trying to tell me to get up and stand and fight when -the true fight- are beyond them.

I hope in the other side... beyond this hell could mean more. Maybe in the other side people are real, true, and maybe on the other side I can have what I wanted all along.

Maybe the other side is the gate to a pivotal moment... the first moment was denying the poison of a false eternity; denying myself to believe that immortality for the sake of love truly exists because it doesn't.

Erasing that event will destroy the events of that empire, delete all the faces, and prevent the poison from spreading.

Life is a freaking joke and we all play our parts on the punchline. I have just let people use me far more than I have used others for laughter.

Next life time will be different. Next time, I'm going to take what I want and use whoever. I will be the poison next time and I will enjoy watching everyone who has done me wrong writhe in the meaning of my next new existence.

I am no hero. I am not a saint. I am liar. A betrayer. I am unkind. I am dishonest. I am masterless. I am hatred and I am regret.

All the angst I have felt, I will pour it upon the worlds of those who have misused me and make them feel how it is to be broken, destroyed, meaningless, and drowning in despair.

I will inflict my carnage upon you. Then and only then can you truly know what the meaning of my world that all of you have so joyfully abused.

...In the Spirit of...

When certain things keep creeping on your head for reasons that are too obvious. Doubt. Confusion. Ambivalence .... then the solemn need to fight. To Forgive. To move on.

Why is life like this? Why is it I can't seem to find the proper balance and yet life keeps throwing these strange signs? Are signs really as they are? Or are they just mere things I try to pick up as such?

One can't refute the notion that.... certain things are potent.

Well, perhaps Black Friday's end really took a toll on me as it always does. But still... I think there is still that.

Regardless... this battle is mine alone now. 

Simply Put

Every effort was suppose to reduce the disdains and the agony, instead every time there seems to be something else that wants to keep crippling me.

I'm not sure where things are going now. Who really are there for me. Everyone seemed to be lost, silent, or taken by the events of everyday. Life is... simply put... cruel at times. I'm afraid that despite the resilience, despite my need to keep on trying, it just keeps hacking down. Every month. Every week. Every day.

Where's that One More Day? Where is that meaningful deal that I can make to undo what this has come to be?

I have depleted myself. Given a whole hell of a lot of sentiments and in the end... no one knew what to do with it, squandered it, or simply... forgot what it truly means.

Where does one go now when the dream is dead? 

Slow on the Blog

I am behind on a lot of things as of late when it comes to all my hobbies. I mean just barely finishing my reviews on the Odin BAF figures that makes up Odin(haven't done the BAF himself) over the course of the month is an example of that. I haven't even touched the "Toys of 2014" review as of this date, that AND I have two new things that came to my lap that I have barely even looked at. Suffice it to say, I'm really lacking haste.

Writing has yet to flourish as well and I have no idea what I did with my time way back when? I suppose at the given moment I'm gaming a lot(back to Oblivion) so that might be a factor. Truthfully, I have just been drained or distracted.

Well, I suppose it was just one of those moments I had the need to 'vent'. Hopefully the next few days can provide some sort of progress on my part. 

Vicious Cycle

For all the things we have suffered. For all the things I have done... We are here again. What is it about the fight that compels it to go on? Why is it that when we cross one road, climbed over hurdles, endured the coldest winters, that the other side isn't the place for serenity; the place of solace--and a place where we can all consider the time to rest. But on the either side it's either more challenges or the daunting ghosts of the past comes back; the one you thought you brought to peace.

One would think.

A vehement poison that we thought we have left behind. An acrid presence that we have all decided to leave behind and only come to when the situation dictated... a thing of the past that we thought have no bearings is now back again to encumber.

Who brought it back?

What do you do when one is forced to fight again against the very apparition that was thought to be laid to rest? What if one is enthralled, enticed, and engulfed in its poison yet again? What if one decides that it's not poison but a feeling of respite, remedy, and substitution?

Then I abandon my will to fight and find the one thing that was worth it in the past.

I'm not fighting this anymore when the one I'm fighting for is the one fighting me. When my own attempts are thwarted by the very one whom you thought helped you laid it all to rest. When the one defends the very essence of nefarious and undying perversion against my own is a crystal clear testament that the battle was over a long time ago.

When it's said and done the wounds and scars are now inflicted; the marks are dejecting and certainly enough to dilute the honor that we all held together.

I can't fight it anymore. I can't do it anymore. This is no longer my own.

There is no victory here. There are only more regrets and the longing for what couldn't have been. The years have produced far more sullen clouds than sunshine that one truly has to measure the meaning of fighting for it once more.

There is no victory here; only MORE senseless fighting. 

The Fiction I live

This is just a fiction. None of it applies outside the book of life. None of you get to claim the person outside the book of fantasies and roles played. I am not among you because all of you are just stories meant to tell a previous book I have read and dread before.

I do not need another cliched story because I have no need for it anymore. I don't have any use for fallacies, empty promises, and perpetual destructive hope. Tomorrow isn't going to be better, it's going to be the same old shit.

"Darkness and Light pt. III"

"...My Light in the Dark..."

(Current date: 3/20/15)

We have another year to add to our tally mark, don't we? It's amazing what years and years puts up. I know the latest hasn't been our most prominent of years. We haven't seen each other as much. We haven't really communicated the way we used to... there were often times when I thought that perhaps "this" was just ... another brick in the wall. Or maybe I should just say, another wall just to pass by and gawk at for a few and then eventually crumbles and fall.

But.

Here we are still. And here we will always be. I can't take back all the things that has come and has gone. I can't make you feel better for the times you have felt all the things you shouldn't have felt. But as always, I can be a light in the dark for you. I can always be that friend when you need that shoulder to lean on.

Always. =)

To more of "us", my friend. So that this year we can add another to our lengthy friendship. 7=)

Red and Blue pt. III

"If the Storm ends, and I don't see you... as you are now, Ever Again..."

(Actual date: 3/20/15)

Fluctuation, up and downs, wave after wave...

Where do we go after the hurdles and walls? Somewhere better. Better than the one before. Somewhere we can accentuate the things that makes us all the better side of us. It's not and it hasn't been the easiest path, but if it was easy, where would the idea of appreciating the best things in life go?

Apologies doesn't decrease the pain especially when it's been cliched and dissuaded. But perhaps this year... there will be less testing of endurance.

=)

"Canon pt. III"

(Current date 3/2015)

So what is that reason? Are we still trying to decipher that? Or the reason is really just 'cause'. =)

You and I are two separate ways of thinking; that much you and I can't refute. I do somehow think that more often than not the contrast is something of a good thing.

I can't promise you I won't have rage. I can't promise you that I won't yearn too much. I can't promise a lot of things, but what I can promise is that I'll honor this for as long as I live.

You're a good person. That much I will always know.

To the Bonds the Defines us then. =)

Three Years and counting xD

Masterless and Rage:

How long did it take for you to get these tainted dreams out of your head?

Eventually it faded away.

How long was eventually?

I don't exactly recall you know. Why?

I'm still here. It's still here.

Well, is it over?

No.

Do you want it to be over? 

No.

There's your answer then, isn't it?

I still have those nights in my head. What they were compared to what they are now. It's painful. It stings. It's like it wasn't supposed to last.

No, not the way it was, at least not for now. 

Do you seriously believe that it will get better?

I seriously believe it got better. 

Do you really? It's not even remotely close to how it was.

Changes. It happens. Little steps. There are always things getting in the way and that's what sucks the most. But perhaps in the end, we can really say that this was all worth it.

I hope so. 

Keep hoping. And keep living. It's the only thing we can do, you know?

Masterless and Rage

Here you stand seething with Guilt. That episode huh?

You're usually the one scrutinizing that damn show! So why is it that we are both doing that now?! 

So… you're here to tell me that you're full of rage and regret again; why?

What if? What if I was able to put the dagger down in front of her eyes the moment of revelation? What if I was able to show her that I could've forgiven her right then despite how hard it was?! What if I could've shown her the strength that has serenaded you for so long?! What if my rage never was ME and …. and maybe it would've been better?! Maybe things could've gotten faster! Maybe… what if!

There is a lot of uncertainty in that. Maybe yes, maybe no. But that's the past. It's done and it's part of us… ALL of US now. So do you still have the same thought of undoing the undoable then if I ask you now?

Yes.

Why?

I could've spared all of us the pain and the debacles… I could've …. not hurt more people. 

That's the main source of your rage and regret now?

Yes.

That's going backwards but this time you are taking that dagger and pointing it at you. There is no honor in that, especially when you gave your word you know.

Well moving forward is not my forte….. It is What it Is. I understand that now… but… what do I do?

Let it go.

…..What?

Let it go. Let it go….

Are you freaking singing to me?

Makes sense, doesn't it? Listen.

……… You're an idiot.

…Wow…...

Momentum change

Even the smallest positive effort can create a radical shift in your perspective. Even the smallest positive effort can begin to create a powerful, forward-focused momentum.

If it seems you’re going through a bad stretch, make the choice to change your momentum. Then step decisively forward and act on that choice.

The way to change something is to do something. You can wish and worry and complain until you’re blue in the face, yet nothing good is likely to happen until you act to make it happen.

When you avoid any effort, life can seem endlessly overwhelming. Yet the moment you start to do something you’re suddenly connected, almost as if by magic, to all kinds of positive options.

Though you may not feel like it, and though you may have to do it on faith, take a small positive step. Make a little effort in a good and positive direction, and you’ll be making a big change in your momentum.

Your actions absolutely can make a difference, so choose to use that power. Act to give your momentum a change for the better, and delight in the new direction in which you’re headed.

— Ralph Marston

Read more at http://greatday.com/motivate/140303.html#5kH1zhcYxgPz2cwa.99



…..Astonished(This was Monday's).

In other news… I'm out of room in my Gamer Room. 

Story of this fiction

Song on repeat.

The song that describes how to 'move forward'.

There is no reward to reap, only debt to pay… But smile. It's the true testament of hope to take in all the things that you aren't responsible for. 

Masterless and Rage

"I'm starting to think of a few things."

"Do share."

"It's not that I sit here and pay for things I have never done."

"Really now?"

"Well, that's still the case… But I also think that it's not solely on the idea that I am paying for things that was the cause of wrong doings, but I think for every good deed I have done there is also a price."

"Well that's a conundrum."

"It is."

"So I'm guessing if I ask you the question about going back in time you'd still have the same answer?"

"All the encumbering side affects, all the pain, all of the regrets, and all of these doubts, what was it all for?"

"I don't know yet because the future hasn't been told. But in your logic, I can't say that you are right or wrong. "

"Because I'm not wrong. I'm right and as much of an idiot YOU are, so am I. I pay for things I have never done and I also pay for every good deed I commit. I shouldn't have… I shouldn't have done A LOT of things."

"It's kind of sad."

"It wouldn't be if it wasn't for that ONE MOMENT IN TIME."

Words of Wisdom

Allow the best

Allow your world to be beautiful now. Allow your life to be rich and full and joyous.

There are infinite possibilities, and yet the ones you experience are the ones you allow. Make the choice now, and always, to allow the best.

Allow your thoughts to be positive and empowering. Allow your actions to move your life forward.

Allow your spirit to envision life at its very best for you and your whole world. Allow yourself to make that vision real in each moment and with each choice.

Don’t struggle to move yourself toward or away from what might or might not be. Instead, allow your life to unfold according to your highest vision.

The power to make a positive difference is always yours. Allow that power to flow through your life, creating magnificent, meaningful results.

— Ralph Marston

Read more at http://greatday.com/#9g4ri85UwsHxKC2w.99


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Trying to allow the best; Sometimes it's hard when you're still paying for the things you've never done.