What If?

What if I told you I still remember?

Everything. And almost every small detail.

What if I told you that I still think about it? 

Every moment that I can. I still smile, laugh, and feel sorrow for the time we stole.

What if I told you that despite everything, nothing will ever fill that part of me?

That part of me that you selfishly moved in to? That part of me that despite how hard, I can't ever seem to find a closure for?

What if I told you that despite me letting me feel these things that it doesn't matter? 

As I told you, you'll move on. Just like everyone, they all leave without a closure, without looking back. Without remembering.

So why do I ask those two words when in the end, it's just a bout between reflections and ghosts?

It's because the truth remains that no mattter what, in the end, it was always me. The one that held on. The one that fought albeit a bit too late. The one that still cherishes and remembers.

Sadly, you became just one of them. Just another brick in the wall. Or perhaps, somebody that I used to know.

Or was it the other way round? 

Masterless: The Killing Joke

I finally hit the wall and when I crashed, the wreckage of my vehicle told me a joke. 

It showed me all the times I've played the fool's part. It gave me a punchline of just how mocked I was and how much I allowed it all to happen. It conveyed to me every single angle of my asinine way of thinking. 

What defined that sense of ideal? That honor? That need to make things right and to hold things together? Why was it so important to me that I kept ignoring the killing joke that was being told? 

I saw that wall, you know? I saw it coming a mile freaking away, but I didn't do anything to try and swerve out of the way. I guess I got used to being the one to make the move, the one to try, the one to always hold it all together... the person who was willing to reach out and try... all the time with everything and everyone. I guess there was a point that I didn't want to try and I just said... FUCK IT. 

The joke was on me and it really killed a part of me. And after I crawled out of that wreckage, battered, beaten, and thinking I'm a ghost... I realized that I'm still alive. When I came to the realization that if I go around these walls it would be the same people all over again... I laughed. I laughed so hard....

I haven't done this before..... and it's new. 

I gave up. Ha. I give up. Ha. And the funniest thing is... this feels right. 

Masterless and Rage: Within and Beyond

You ever thought about what it all meant? Like, you know, like how we used to? How you used to? 

I can't deny that the questions you are throwing at me seems to be.... implying something. Hinting at something within you that constantly devours you.

Piece by piece. Slowly, everyday. Most days I'm really good at holding them back. 

We've gotten accustomed to holding them back.

Because we've faced this same dilemma countless of times over. The feeling of... loss. The feeling of having fought and tried, lost and won...

Thinking we've climbed the highest peak and on the other side the fruit of our labor will greet us. 

That's what we were led to believe, right? Until we realize that on the other side,

It's more or less the same thing over and over again. 

A constant lesson to be taught and a pain to come to grip with. 

A feeling of desolation. Loneliness. A feeling of regret. 

And loss. 

A feeling that everything was in vain. 

......... So you still understand.

I still feel it everyday. 

It's slow, but it continues to eat you up... the only thing you can do is run... run faster than it can, fight it... and don't give it a moment to catch its breath.

Because when we give it that moment... this is what we feel. We see the truth all over again. We realize that despite it all, despite them knowing... there is not a single body that cares to make it right.

Because we are not like them. We cannot be like them. That is why we are easy to forget. To replace. 

But someday... somewhere beyond there's going to be a change, correct? 

The moment we are the catalyst of change.... it will all come to fruition. I swear. I will make it all right... we will make it all right at the behest of our vengeance. 

Masterless and Rage: Once

It was beautiful, once. 

For a moment. 

Are the moments only meant to last that long? 

Nothing is eternal. So to be terse, yeah, it looks like it.

Kind of cruel. 

But at least we can say, once upon a time, we were somewhere. 

I suppose we can take that as solace. 

We should, I guess. Better than hoping in something that won't be there tomorrow.

Masterless and Rage: Brand New Day(s)

So, here we are.

Indeed. But the question one must ask one's self is... where are we?

We are in a limbo. We are where we were going to end up after everything that has happened.

We are accepting it?

We are doing what we can to make do with the out come. It's not like we have a whole lot of choice, do we?

You seem a bit content for someone who felt the wreckage.

Who me? You've got that all wrong, you know. I'm far from content.

But you attained a sense of peace, I see. 

I must put my mask on pretty good that even you are fooled. I'm a distant world away from peace. I'm  not even sure that word is part of my vocabulary.

Well, you are faring better than you were before. 

So are you, you know.

What do you mean?

You still miss her?

Everyday.

You still want those times back?

Everyday. 

But what changed? Why aren't you scratching at walls, wrecking the pages, and screaming questions as to why it isn't how it should be?

.... I suppose the easiest way to answer that is... that I seem to have gained some understanding that perhaps it's supposed to be there when it is... rather than something that should be forced. 

Aren't you afraid of fallacies and curtains over what is back there?

If I spent the time lulling myself in fear, I would regress. And then I would succumb to all the malice my rage can omit. 

Then there you go. That is pretty much where my answer is. That's where I'm at, you know. Recovering, assessing, and just letting things go by as they come. Trying to deal with the bigger things that have an immediate consequence if not dealt with properly.

You still miss her? Yearn for what was? 

In a lot of ways, yes. It's not something that can just be forgotten. But in some ways, I have a sense of 'completion'. 

So... you believe the stories are over? 

I think for now, the stories are going to have to tell themselves. In this lifetime, it's not up to us to write them. 

So we just become bystanders? 

No. For now, I think we just have to live and see where this is going. I'm sure things have a reason.

We don't meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our paths for a reason. 

Read. Love. And Learn. 
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Masterless: Stop the Moment

Won't be one of those long winded emotional posts. Don't usually have the time for those. Don't have the capacity for such nuisance these days. But I do have a moment to just kind of look at where things are at, this blog, my DA, and where things have been in my hobby.

Where my time is.

I love writing. Gaming. Collecting. Commissioning. I love this blog because even if I know that there really isn't anyone on the other side, I feel like I'm talking to a general crowd where I might catch someone's attention even for a moment. Lately, however, I feel like I am running into some kind of 'block' or just feeling like I'm just doing things to post just to have something. I know it's not really like that, but lately--the last few months, actually--I feel like the blog lost some good content. I don't post Damsels of the Month anymore because I don't have the time. I don't do video game reviews for the same reason. And at times my emotions have run dry to the point where there is no voice to talk about something or anything.

I guess as March closed and as April is here.... I just feel like this year has gone by so fast and I've been caught up with what real life has to offer, and it's not even that good offer, but it's a substantial and necessary offer. People that used to be my TRUE friends have all grown up and moved on with their lives, playing with what life has to offer like me. The person whose writing hand goes in sync with mine doesn't have the same road as me... and every year it steers us away from each other. My 'whole life' was split in half because... that's how life and people work. My writing suffers because of time. And this is trivial but my collection hasn't grown, at least not in the way that distracts me (damn preorders keep getting pushed back).

Such is life.

But I've been worse. I've known worse. I can't complain. It's just this moment, I guess I can just look back and see what is missing and who I once was.

If I had one more day, I would make it better so I wouldn't be here. But now that I'm here, I'll take it on until the next time comes around.
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Rage Eternal

I've always thought that I had made it; well, at least to some degree, I thought I had been lucky this lifetime and perhaps, just maybe, I was just going to be that person that would be graced with a 'fairy tale' story. I never really believed in it before, but maybe if I just let myself believe, it would exist. It would be real.

After a decade or so, how can I not believe? After what we decided to do and grow, how can I not believe? I thought I saw the future, imperfect, but we would be there hand in hand with our legacy in between us... I thought for once that someone in my life was actually honest and true. Someone would be by my side until the end. I thought for sure that I wouldn't alone and I believed that someone can actually take me for who I am despite my faults, my past, and my constant lack of common sense at times.

I really did think that love existed and that I was saying those three words because I was 'blessed' with the notion of love.

I was a fool. And I was wrong.

People don't follow through on their promises and their vows. People change ... find other things to make them happy... find their set of happiness and expect you to just live with it. People don't want to make things work or change things for the better... they want me to change and try and be the one to make it better while they sit there and bask in their own self worth and their pride. People aren't real. People are false.

People do not  care. You didn't care as much as you did. Because just like everyone else I have met... you try and point out my faults and when yours are laid on the table, you simply try and uphold your self righteous and heroic grounds and leave me to filter and sort out the rest. You've already found your solace way before you decided 'it's over'.

You are the same as everyone else.

But... for the sake of our legacy, I can only smile and go through the days in 'peace'. All this rage, this sorrow... this will be directed in a different way when the lifetime is right.

Everyone gets theirs. Everyone. Heroes. Villains. EVERYONE.

My rage will come next lifetime and you have the worst to take. Tell me, when penance stares at you in the eyes, will you continue to blabber with the same self righteous words? Will you continue to do what everyone does and forget the wrongs you've done?

Do and say what you will. Karma will come at you. 

A Moment Eternal

It's been a year since that moment.

I still think about you 

It still hurts to think about the fact that you're not 'here'.

I guess the moment became so long... 

I guess grieving never really ends

But how does it look from up there?

I hope it looks better and I hope you still remember

Life has changed so much, I know

But it has never really changed how much I still miss you

Keep purring and watch over her things for me

I know there are times I'm not my best

But I'm trying....

And I'm still trying to cope with how much I miss you.

Fate Stereo Love

Made this some time back. Never really shared it so, here it is! 

Emotions

I visited some old friends today that passed on. Both young and before their time. Both same amounts of years ago.

It's amazing how time stood still for them... they're forever young while we.. while I just sit here and follow as time takes on a wild ride that we call life.

I didn't really know them that much. I wasn't close to them at all but I did know them.  They were figures in some chapters of my story back then. I guess I wanted to ask how does it look on the other side...

In that moment, I witnessed an older gentleman sitting down next to someone special in his life who also passed on to the other side. He sat by the memorial, and some moments, he laughed as he spoke of memories... he was somber... but he was happy. But he there was also a hint of loneliness in his eyes as he walked away.

It was something.

Weird day, suffice to say. 

Remember ... Far Away Times ... Just Remember

Masterless: Remember the rage. Let it fester. Don't let it go. Remember it always for it will be the driving force of what will give you a definition for the next. Do not squander your purpose into the meaningless and empty promises of 'a better tomorrow'. Do not falter when someone offers their hand. Remember the pain. Feel the wounds inflicted on you by the very people that said they'll be there for you.

Remember the one who was supposed to guide you. The one who gave you life and held you. The one who was supposed to be there to teach you things that life can't teach on its own. Remember her betrayal, her lack of guidance, and her inability to cast her pride aside even just for a moment to give you her ears.

Remember your peers and how they mocked you. Do not let the memories of their cruelty slip pass your train of thought. Recall how they encumbered you with words of how much better they are. Do not forget that they always told you that you failed.

Remember the words given by blood on how you won't amount to anything. Do not let that lesson be for naught. They spent years abusing you, breaking your strength, and diminishing your confidence until you grew up with barely any. They are unkind and you cannot let that be forgiven.

Remember the one who vowed to you. The promises she made of how eternity would be yours. Always remember, drown, and suffer for what she has done. The fact that she couldn't fight for you, the fact that she is willing to walk away after everything, the painful thought that it all could have been rectified had she just tried to fix things with you. Do not let yourself believe again because what she offered, what she told you, what she promised, and how she said she loved you was just a fallacy... like the meaning of love itself. Always keep in your mind that while you struggled to find a meaning for yourself, she found another and moved on when you were trying. Another testament that only you are the one who tries... everyone else just gives false vows.

Remember the other who said the same word. Shared the same feelings. Remember how she moved on, how she forgot, and when you came back with nothing, she was unwilling to set aside her morals just to take pity while you bleed. She couldn't listen, didn't want to listen, didn't believe in you, nor wanted to. She made you look like a fool because she was so enthused with the idea of heroism. She made you look like a fool and has the audacity to tell you she loves you when she dares not lift a finger to fight for you. She might have suffered in your debacle, but faced with the same situation, she did the same thing--unable to let go for the sake of 'old times'. Allowing heroism to dismantle, ridicule, and spit at your worth while she turns her back and shrugs her shoulders.

Remember the hero and how he promised he'd fight with you. How he said he'd be the last when he himself walked away when you were suffering; he made his own salvation while you suffered and he smirked and laughed, and while you crawled, he sat there and challenged your ideals, your meaning, and continues to give false notions. Demanding change and playing the victim when he gives none in return to make things better. Let the events of his pride forever haunt you this lifetime.

Remember the one who gave you promises but constantly failed. The one who did it all for her second life and merely forgot you. Remember her pride, her inability to listen. her constant need to stumble and feel bad. You've given her a lot only to receive very little. She is but a fragment of the meaning but do not forget what lesson she taught.

Remember the individuals who continue to run about saying this and saying that, spewing out sentiments that they have your best interest at heart when in truth, they are guided by their own self-motivation. Remember their false guidance, their inability to tell the truth, and their lack of honor.

Remember everything. Remember all your life. When that is done, if you are able to hold on to the grief, the malice, and channel the rage, next life time, you will be you.

You will not wait for karma... you are going to be karma. You will be their distraught, their penance, and you will be the cold winds that will forever haunt them, remind them, and diminish their spirit. You will take everything, cripple foundations, and when they fall, you give them enough willpower to stand back up only to take it away... let them bleed. Let them remember. Let them feel how inadequate and incompetent they are when EVERYONE they thought should be there isn't there. Let them pay for their sins. Let them remember the meaning of despair.

Be the black wings that will carry them to their doom.

Let them remember that for what they have done, they will pay the ultimate price.

Remember. In those far away times, you will be harbinger of vengeance. As they make believe in a better tomorrow, you will reap the benefits of their past debacles.

You are the villain. Don't forget. 

To this Day

I did a lot of things different this year. I had a different mentality than I have ever had for a long time. It served its purpose right. For the most part, I decided that his day, the majority of it, was going to be spent on my own doing the things that made me... me.

I never thought there was going to be some comfort in just watching friends laugh and talk about everything... there was a slight satisfaction from seeing lovers young and old revel in each other's company... Everyone had someone... everyone cared for their specific other person/s... while I sat alone. Alone in a sense that, it was just the comfort of knowing that I have myself and everyone ... is just everybody else.

I know the cold truth of this lifetime and what was done wrong. I know that... no matter how much I try to say things or make people see, everyone and anyone just thinks I'm a broken record... it's because people don't get or understand or want to understand(for a myriad of reasons) that I am a broken record. Life changes people to hear. Pride gets in the way. Obliviousness and lack of motivation. So many things to list...

That's okay. People are people and this lifetime has shown me so many aspects of them. It also taught me a lot about how and how I am in relation to them... it also conveyed to me that there are very few who tries hard to be better than themselves everyday.... I know I fail at it, but at least I know I try.

I tried last year despite being skewered with life's problem.

This year I realized that no matter what, I am always alone.

Next life time will be different. Very different. It will be better for me. And I will do whatever it takes to make it that way.

So here's to another year then. 

Rage: Start Again

I messed up tonight.

I lost another Fight.

I still mess up.

I'll just start again.

A world where there is no conflict. A day where I don't have to fight. A minute where I don't have to warm up. A second when I don't have to dodge.  

When is it really over? When do I just try and pick up what is left and we all just set aside our pride, our differences, our disdains, worries, strife and hate. When do we face our reflection and see what is missing and what is foretold? When do we realize that we all have our mistakes and we all have fallen so far from grace? 

When do we stop fighting? 

When do we live again? 

Life is far too short, far too volatile, and so full of things to enjoy to just wallow in defeat, in rage, and to not have ownership, loyalty, or any kind of honorable meaning. 

The fight has perpetuated for far too long and we have lost what was and what is. It's on all of us, not just one, it's in all. 

I am not articulated with these words. I am a creation of doubt and despair. I was created to fly so high that we leave the world below....

But now I am as I am. Lacking victory... seeing only the destruction that this war has created. 

When do we give in? When do we admit? When do we get up and decide that we won't fight anymore?

When do we start again? 

Masterless: At One Point

There was a point when everything was colored in. There was a point when I felt that I could rely on the words "Don't worry about tomorrow". At one point I believed and just as long as we were what we were, we could take on the world.

But that was a fairy tale when all of my sins are forgiven. When I would have been able to redeem myself and given another chance to perhaps be something.

I guess it wasn't supposed to be. You just laid out all of 'what I have done' just to point it out--just to call me out but in the end it didn't matter if I would fight or not. It didn't matter what I could have done because when it was happening, you already found that 'amazing' someone. Already decided you were going to change and move on and leave me to wonder: 'what the hell could I have done better?'.

I was left with the pieces of eternity, left for me to decipher and mourn.

I guess that's just it. You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside. Or, I'm going to have to now. Even when I know at the end of the day the sentiments are still my own. People judge, claim knowledge when they have no idea what you and I went through. They don't know what was between you and me and what we did inside those 'happy moments'. But they judge. They claim. Because that's what people do. I guess that's for me to take on too because I know you won't be there anymore.

So I often wonder if that 'one point' in my life... if I took that away and left it with 'what could have been', would life for me be better?

It would have been, I'm pretty sure. To have been how I see myself as... to be 'something' rather than 'this'. But the problem is, that would have came with a heavy price. A price that would have taken me out of what today means....

I don't know if I can take that consequence anymore. Maybe she and I will color those spots together... maybe when I see her take every step, better and smarter than I did... maybe it means that everything breaking MEANT something.

I guess we'll find out as the years roll by. 

Rage: The Last Vixen

I came from a distant future where things went astray--where thew world that we knew lie in ruins. Morals and integrity are drowned out by the sound of failures and doubt. I came from a thought where I stood alone... looking at the monster that came from our own depiction. 

That future is here and just like that future, I stand alone. I am the last. I am meant to carry the battle on my own. 

Dishonesty. Doubts. Jealousy. Insecurities. Inconsideration. Avarice. Rage. Pride. 

These are the sins that took al of us. These are the words that broke the oath that we all seemingly stood by. The enemy didn't lie in a thousand men.... instead they were within. And the demons broke them all. One by one. They drowned. 

There was another who came with me. She has been part of me for as long as I know. She has been with the other side of the story long before definition came. Actions of regret caused her jealousy to take over... eventually she stood away. Now she is by herself and eventually will bring her own--with him standing adamantly by her side despite his guilt. She is the most caring, honest, and perhaps the most unwilling to fight for what she wants.... blame can't be put on her, but some of the inability to fight is her fault as well.

Then her. The one in this world who truly held the definition, the gift, and the one who would forever bind me in her existence. The One who stands by me in the shadows completely drowned out by her avarice. Inconsiderate at times and so flawed like me... one can say she is the other 'last' as she stands in the distance by my side; warm and ever so exuberant; but she doesn't fight anymore. Not for the times of old... but for what she and I still believe in. 

Then the one who claimed she will be standing last. The one who claims that 'if she could she would want those good parts back in her life' but can't seem to fight for it even if given the tools...The one who became a poison... the one who couldn't fight her own demons after getting struck by their sins. Now she cowers after her fall from pride, claiming her own regret and guilt when she can't face the mirror that reminders her that she isn't the best and perhaps lacks the most despite having the best upbringing.

Then there is me. The rage. The anger. The one who holds them all together or at least used to... until I got lost in the strife of everything going agasint me. Within it all.... I am still here. I am the one. The last. The one who still fights to hold the fragments together despite the others shying away from the battle we all sworn to fight. 

I will hold it all together until I cannot anymore. I will remain to be the last until my avarice takes over and I withdraw within.

But as it is it holds true: I am the last. Fighting the fight that was meant for more than one. 

Masterless and Rage

How hard would you have fought to keep something that you thought was worthy, even if it hurts every time you walk towards it? 

Is that a rhetorical question? You know how hard I fought. I faced her in her worse. I called to her. Screamed at her. Yelled to the top of my lungs so that she may reach me and I took in every aspersion and painful strike to our sentiment. I took it all. I bled.... but I fought. I kept on fighting. I wanted her to stay and as damaged as we are, we would repair. We would try despite the obstacles and all the things that are going against us.

It wasn't rhetorical. I wanted you to vocalize it. I wanted you to paint this wall with truth. Define it. I wanted everyone and anyone to know what it is to truly fight for something that you hold dear. 

You say that there are some things that cannot be healed. You say that the wound inflicted is deep and haunting. You say that parts of you truly did not see the value. How does one fight when flooded by those? 

You fight. You just keep on fighting. You pick up what is left and you fight. But first one has to acknowledge his fault. One has to drop one's pride and admit the wrong doings and the mishaps. It's not about begging. It's not about any of that. It's about dropping one's damn flawed pride and just fight against the hurdles and then stop fighting. Stop challenging. STOP PRETENDING that one's knowledge is substantial.... stop mocking what is truly definitive with one's self proclaimed omniscience. And definiltey do not come swinging at a foundation that would always mean more than one's self. There are no riddles in this. There are NONE. There is no grey. There is ONLY black and white. You see, at the end of it all, it's as simple as it is painful but if one TRULY holds something important.... if one TRULY holds the sentiment as potent as one has claimed it to be.... then one will just step on the ground and see what is and what truly isn't. 

You speak as if there is a chance. That you are still willing.

I speak that some frozen hearts can be thawed. I'm saying that in this fiction that we live... there is always room for grace. Sure, it takes you and I to define the path again, but it's not up to us to seek that path. 

And at one point, the path will close, am I right? 

Yes. But Hate can diminish. Wounds can heal. Sentiments can be regrown. I will only believe in the spoken tears and regret if there is a step for redemption. Otherwise it will always be a reminder of another wasted time. 

Would you fight under these circumstances? 

I have lived under these circumstances. Sometimes, it's against myself. So yes I would if I deem the end worthy enough. 

Strange. I have known this part better and I'm a bit afraid that one will just cower in the corner, learning a new face of regret. I know first hand that in this fiction that we live, no one has fought as hard as me. No one held the grounds like me. I am the definition of this... and I'm afraid only I will fight to keep the meaning alive even if it's just a table for two. 

I don't have high hopes. I think it will be pride or cowardice that will refuse the path set out. But we will see. At the end of the day..... What is truly worth when 'enduring' became just a fancy title and truly not an act of one's character? 

Judgement

Where do you come from? What are your qualifications to stand there and judge me... judge -us-? We who are tainted by the mishaps of our decisions? We who are imperfect, lower, mongrels, and inadequates? Who gave you birth, right, and power to see us lower than what we could be? When did you gain that knowledge, that experience, that right to tell me what I could be, where it could, how I can be, why did she, and how it all came to pass?

What worth gave you the strength to carry that hammer and strike the ground and claim us unworthy and shower me with your 'rage' when you come from perfection. When the horse you sit allows you to breath the air of a perfect and sheltered atmosphere?

I can ask and demand that you stand where I am. I can tell you and try to show you what tragedy, what imperfections, and what pain really is, but you have lived a life of a perfect world where your means of pain barely fits within the definition of my own.

I don't claim to be better because I lived my life in shambles, emptiness, and despair. In fact I hold a bit of jealousy because you lived a life that's superior. But you have hounded me... us because we failed more than once. Because we slipped, we claimed our avarice, because at time we just lost ourselves in our own imperfections.... because we lost ourselves in our pursuit of happiness... you say we are capable of hurting people with our greed.... with our flaws... have you looked in the mirror lately? Have you truly sat there and tried to see things from our stand point? My standpoint?

You claim your grounds. You say your existence meant good things. You stay despite at the behest of the broken, the damned... you gloat, you smile, you serenade me with the memory of my failures and what I will never be in this lifetime. You remind me of what I'll never have and not once have you tried to even remind yourself that you are human... a human far blessed but still capable of causing despair.

It is not my job to judge you, but it is my job to claim my grounds that I have lost. It is my right to tell you that you do not know my life, my place, my world, and the people that are in the same world as me. We are broken, lost, and at times foolish. We make mistakes, we are incompetent at times, and there are times when we will regret our actions. Some of us move on, some push it away, and there is me who will live in that regret everyday.... But I know my mishaps. I know my faults... and I live to admit them until the day I die.

Perhaps I am truly lost. Truly wrong. Truly inadequate.... And perhaps you have your right to smirk until the last of the stones that once held bridges sinks within the weight of my mishap.

Know this, however. Your second life will resemble this lifetime of mine. You will know what starving means. You will know what betrayal means. You will find out what losing someone truly means. You will know lies like no other. You will shed tears that will cause your mind asunder. You will feel emotions that are so heavy that it will encumber your chest to the point where you cannot breathe. And you will walk the same unforgiving ground I am walking in.... and we will see if your heroic judgement will have a place after all.

Masterless: "In My Time of Need"

Dreams

I remember it was just like yesterday when my world was complete. I had my doubts, my fears, but the earth below me was steady; it held my weight and it allowed every step to move me forward. I had a means. I had a purpose. I had strength. Something inside allowed me to look at the day with elation. My world was coming to. It was assembling.

I had people beside me and behind me. In front and all around me. They were there. There were friends. I even managed to rebuild my broken family, and while things were not perfect, the days seemed to promise anew for our bonds.They were there. And I felt safe.

Love.

Hope.

Friendship. 

Trust. 

Loyalty.

Laughter. 

There are a plethora of words to describe everyday. I was willing to project each emotions, I failed at times, but more often than not I could make one smile. I made many laugh. I bought tears of hope, joy, and compassion. I had a purpose. Everyday would mean to renew that purpose. Everyday meant that I would define myself again

But fate would have it that the ground would shatter, the foundations started to collapse and every step I took pushed me further back. I fell. I lost. I mourned. I drowned. My angst. My pain. My past. My sins. The dichotomy of hope and despair became a blur. And in that moment, I felt the weight of the world; My World. My being. My purpose. It all came crashing down and it encumbered me. Suddenly waking up was harder. And harder. And harder. Everyday was a burden. Everyday felt like it might be the last for I didn't know how to cope with it anymore...

In My Time of Need I searched for them. Friends. Family. Loved ones. I weeped. I begged. I showed them my pain. I showed them all what became of me. I showed them all what I am now. They saw the broken person that once was the opposite. I showed them all so that they would know that the person who was trying desperately to make a better world was now drowning in the purpose that failed; They saw the person that could not piece together anymore... I saw them. I felt them. I spoke with them. And In My Time of Need, I felt that perhaps all of the pain wasn't for naught.... but I was wrong. 

Hate.

Despair.

Betrayal.

Lies.

Unfaithful.

And more Mourning.

In My Time of Need the people drowned me with their pride, their sense of righteousness, and some even turned their back, giving up on the person who once had a purpose. I am flawed, weakened, and certainly unable to grasp the meaning of what was. My world was in shambles and in my time of need, they all shunned me. Their motives, their greed, their own self growth became their only means and I was just a mere apparition. I am no longer anywhere close to that person I was.... and for that everyone shattered the remnants of that person; the last ounce of 'him' that I was holding on to...

Life was never simple. Never expected it to be. Life never truly was perfect. I had dreams once. I had goals. I had a meaning. 

But those aspirations are mere ghosts now. Just a haunting of the person that once was; the person that everyone shunned and forgot. And as I drown in the failures of my lifetime, I will always remember them; the people who turned their back, fought me when I was weak, claimed they were better, demanded retribution on a failure that I could not prevent, the people who wanted me to pay for things I didn't do.... the people who never really fought for me.

In My Time of Need, none of them were there. All of them had a vindictive purpose and none of them was for my benefit. As I crawled towards you for refuge, chagrined and imploring, they went about their ways: they spited me, abandoned me, lied to me, chastised me...

I hate all of them. And this hate will carry on. My hate will be my own drive until I am no longer, whether it be today or another day.... I will remember. And I will collect what is owed to me in this lifetime or the next. Even if I kill the Devil and God in the process, I will get what is owed to me. 

For what they have all done, they will feel everything I am feeling and a thousandfold. I swear it.

.:Dreams I Was Dreaming Of:.

there was a time when people were kind

when their voices were soft, their words inviting

there was a time when love was blind

And the world was a song

and the song was exciting

there was a time

then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by

when hope was high and life worth living

I dreamed that love would never die

I dreamed that "god" would be forgiving

then I was young and afraid

and dreams were made and used and wasted

there was no ransom to be paid

no song unsung no wine wasted

but tigers come at night

and they turn your dream to shame

she slept a summer by my side

she filled my days with endless wonder

she took my childhood by their stride

but they were gone when autumn came

and I still dream she'll come to me

that we will live the years together

but there are dreams that cannot be

and there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be

so different from this HELL I'm living

so different from what it seems

now Life has Killed

 the Dream I Dreamed.

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Credit to: THIS
and here: FATE

I took the liberty of changing a few things in this wonderful piece. Just minor ones. Also, I used four characters from Fate to replace the Disney ones. Fits. 

Fear

I truly am afraid of the outcome.

I truly fear that this year would be the undoing of so many things.

If that is the case, then there will be changes of monumental scale.

Some things may not be as they were.

If that is the case, then I truly am a fool.

I shouldn't have, because in doing so, so many things were tainted and I have truly wasted my time. What I have gained truly will not compare to what I have lost and what I had to pay for.

I paid for things I never did.