Masterless: At One Point

There was a point when everything was colored in. There was a point when I felt that I could rely on the words "Don't worry about tomorrow". At one point I believed and just as long as we were what we were, we could take on the world.

But that was a fairy tale when all of my sins are forgiven. When I would have been able to redeem myself and given another chance to perhaps be something.

I guess it wasn't supposed to be. You just laid out all of 'what I have done' just to point it out--just to call me out but in the end it didn't matter if I would fight or not. It didn't matter what I could have done because when it was happening, you already found that 'amazing' someone. Already decided you were going to change and move on and leave me to wonder: 'what the hell could I have done better?'.

I was left with the pieces of eternity, left for me to decipher and mourn.

I guess that's just it. You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside. Or, I'm going to have to now. Even when I know at the end of the day the sentiments are still my own. People judge, claim knowledge when they have no idea what you and I went through. They don't know what was between you and me and what we did inside those 'happy moments'. But they judge. They claim. Because that's what people do. I guess that's for me to take on too because I know you won't be there anymore.

So I often wonder if that 'one point' in my life... if I took that away and left it with 'what could have been', would life for me be better?

It would have been, I'm pretty sure. To have been how I see myself as... to be 'something' rather than 'this'. But the problem is, that would have came with a heavy price. A price that would have taken me out of what today means....

I don't know if I can take that consequence anymore. Maybe she and I will color those spots together... maybe when I see her take every step, better and smarter than I did... maybe it means that everything breaking MEANT something.

I guess we'll find out as the years roll by.