Masterless: The Killing Joke

I finally hit the wall and when I crashed, the wreckage of my vehicle told me a joke. 

It showed me all the times I've played the fool's part. It gave me a punchline of just how mocked I was and how much I allowed it all to happen. It conveyed to me every single angle of my asinine way of thinking. 

What defined that sense of ideal? That honor? That need to make things right and to hold things together? Why was it so important to me that I kept ignoring the killing joke that was being told? 

I saw that wall, you know? I saw it coming a mile freaking away, but I didn't do anything to try and swerve out of the way. I guess I got used to being the one to make the move, the one to try, the one to always hold it all together... the person who was willing to reach out and try... all the time with everything and everyone. I guess there was a point that I didn't want to try and I just said... FUCK IT. 

The joke was on me and it really killed a part of me. And after I crawled out of that wreckage, battered, beaten, and thinking I'm a ghost... I realized that I'm still alive. When I came to the realization that if I go around these walls it would be the same people all over again... I laughed. I laughed so hard....

I haven't done this before..... and it's new. 

I gave up. Ha. I give up. Ha. And the funniest thing is... this feels right. 

Masterless: Stop the Moment

Won't be one of those long winded emotional posts. Don't usually have the time for those. Don't have the capacity for such nuisance these days. But I do have a moment to just kind of look at where things are at, this blog, my DA, and where things have been in my hobby.

Where my time is.

I love writing. Gaming. Collecting. Commissioning. I love this blog because even if I know that there really isn't anyone on the other side, I feel like I'm talking to a general crowd where I might catch someone's attention even for a moment. Lately, however, I feel like I am running into some kind of 'block' or just feeling like I'm just doing things to post just to have something. I know it's not really like that, but lately--the last few months, actually--I feel like the blog lost some good content. I don't post Damsels of the Month anymore because I don't have the time. I don't do video game reviews for the same reason. And at times my emotions have run dry to the point where there is no voice to talk about something or anything.

I guess as March closed and as April is here.... I just feel like this year has gone by so fast and I've been caught up with what real life has to offer, and it's not even that good offer, but it's a substantial and necessary offer. People that used to be my TRUE friends have all grown up and moved on with their lives, playing with what life has to offer like me. The person whose writing hand goes in sync with mine doesn't have the same road as me... and every year it steers us away from each other. My 'whole life' was split in half because... that's how life and people work. My writing suffers because of time. And this is trivial but my collection hasn't grown, at least not in the way that distracts me (damn preorders keep getting pushed back).

Such is life.

But I've been worse. I've known worse. I can't complain. It's just this moment, I guess I can just look back and see what is missing and who I once was.

If I had one more day, I would make it better so I wouldn't be here. But now that I'm here, I'll take it on until the next time comes around.
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Masterless: "To good Friends"

Masterless: When I was young I once had a dream that I would have a group of friends; friends who would walk the journey of life with me. Friends who would fight along with me. Laugh with me. Make me better. Friends who are real. Friends who don't use you for their own self gain. Friends who don't berrate you, or shun you down so that they may feel like heroes. Friends who don't abandon you. Friends who never grow apart with time but only grow stronger. 

Friends who will play the role of life with you.

Friends who will live and die with you. 

And when the Epilogue comes and the next lifetime is ready to take you to far away times... those friends, their legacy, their meaning, and what they stood for will remain with you. From one lifetime, to the next. 

Yes I once believed in fairy tales. I once thought that these people exist. I once thought love exists. But... I know when the Epilogue comes, I will remember the friends I lost, the friends I fought, the friends who fought me, and the friends who left. The friends who looked down on you and smirked, the friends who continued to remind you of your villainy...

Friends who aren't friends. 

When I leave this world behind, I will remember being alone. I will be the dark cloud that shall challenge the fools and their fallacies. I will be the one that they cannot and will not defeat. 

I will be the Villain this world made me to be. 

I wish I had good friends... friends who would fight for me. Try for me. Friends who would remind me that I am still worth something despite the cold and cruel fate that I hold. Despite the knowledge and irrefutable fact that burdens me....

Friends who will be there to far away times and at the end of it. Maybe if they were there, the Epilogue wouldn't be so bad. 

Masterless: At One Point

There was a point when everything was colored in. There was a point when I felt that I could rely on the words "Don't worry about tomorrow". At one point I believed and just as long as we were what we were, we could take on the world.

But that was a fairy tale when all of my sins are forgiven. When I would have been able to redeem myself and given another chance to perhaps be something.

I guess it wasn't supposed to be. You just laid out all of 'what I have done' just to point it out--just to call me out but in the end it didn't matter if I would fight or not. It didn't matter what I could have done because when it was happening, you already found that 'amazing' someone. Already decided you were going to change and move on and leave me to wonder: 'what the hell could I have done better?'.

I was left with the pieces of eternity, left for me to decipher and mourn.

I guess that's just it. You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside. Or, I'm going to have to now. Even when I know at the end of the day the sentiments are still my own. People judge, claim knowledge when they have no idea what you and I went through. They don't know what was between you and me and what we did inside those 'happy moments'. But they judge. They claim. Because that's what people do. I guess that's for me to take on too because I know you won't be there anymore.

So I often wonder if that 'one point' in my life... if I took that away and left it with 'what could have been', would life for me be better?

It would have been, I'm pretty sure. To have been how I see myself as... to be 'something' rather than 'this'. But the problem is, that would have came with a heavy price. A price that would have taken me out of what today means....

I don't know if I can take that consequence anymore. Maybe she and I will color those spots together... maybe when I see her take every step, better and smarter than I did... maybe it means that everything breaking MEANT something.

I guess we'll find out as the years roll by. 

Just You and Me.

I remember. I will remember from now on. Even if it kills me everyday, I'll remember. I'll keep it in me to forever remind me of the things I have done. So I will pay for the things I have done and for the situations I have created for you and me.

I remember when we were young. I remember the first time I saw you. I heard you. I remember the days that rolled by that will forever define what you and I are. What you and I were meant to be. Despite the distance, despite the obstacles, despite the things the words and the disdains of our own disagreement, we were always meant to be. We were always meant to do the things that we did. It was our own. It was our memories. It was you and me. Just you and me.

Just you and me.

But I took a step into eternity. I took the vows... and after all these years you finally told me how you took that. What the days meant for you.... the facade you had to put up. The loss you felt. But you were always in my thoughts. It was always you. Will always be you.

Despite it all, we kept on. We moved on. We were always just you and me. You smiled, I smiled back, and we held each other into depths of the unknown despite it all.

But the great definition came. My abhorrent choice. My stupidity. What the vow didn't break, what eternity couldn't do, this one did. Heroes came. Fallacies came. And the years rolled by and the walls kept getting taller between you and me.... Walls I built.... and walls you had to build. You had to take some solace... you had to rebound from the heart that I shattered.... you had to take comfort in a hero who would built his own agendas with you, all the while he promoted my own stupid choices.

You had to watch as I built my walls and shared my dreams with you. And you watched. You listened. You smiled. And despite it all.......... you smiled and you were there. You are here.

I'm here again. I'm back. A bit lost. A bit bruised. Shaken. And forever living each day with my regret.  I regret the pain I have caused you. I regret having thrown away all those years. I regret not being there when you have felt your loss. I regret not taking heed to the memories that you gave me. I regret not letting this side of me out at the times you needed it. I regret forcing you to deal with these emotions, forced to move on while I kept mine buried....... I regret how it is now. I regret my vow and my choice for entering that empire. Now there is more distance and we are working our way through. Now there are poisons, laughing everyday at my mishaps. Now there is no eternity, and I only have myself. And perhaps this is what I deserve and I'll live everyday to remind myself of my regrets. I will live everyday in anguish because the one person that truly was genuine, warm, loyal, and loving, spent years behind a defined wall suffering, as she confided with heroes and second rates.... now I am mocked. Judged. And suffering.

And perhaps that is my karma. And I will live the rest of my days paying for it. I will live everyday enduring what my mistake and regrets have done.

But I promise you, I'll try to make things right. I will ensure that in this lifetime, I will rebuild some of what made us, US despite the factors and the hurdles. Despite the poison of others, despite the notion of what is and what isn't. I will define what it means to be you and me despite the vows, the legacies, and despite ALL of my regrets, I will make this lifetime be the bridge for the next....

And next lifetime, it will be just you and me. I will make what if into a reality. I will have a bullet for every hero's head that gets in the way. I will have remedies for every poison.... And I will fix all those lies. Your smile won't be a beautiful lie. And what we couldn't do when we were young and what we are now... it will happen. I fucking promise you that.

Just you and me. And the only regret we will have is that everyday won't have enough hours for all the things we will do and all the memories we will create together... side by side. 7=)

Judgement

Where do you come from? What are your qualifications to stand there and judge me... judge -us-? We who are tainted by the mishaps of our decisions? We who are imperfect, lower, mongrels, and inadequates? Who gave you birth, right, and power to see us lower than what we could be? When did you gain that knowledge, that experience, that right to tell me what I could be, where it could, how I can be, why did she, and how it all came to pass?

What worth gave you the strength to carry that hammer and strike the ground and claim us unworthy and shower me with your 'rage' when you come from perfection. When the horse you sit allows you to breath the air of a perfect and sheltered atmosphere?

I can ask and demand that you stand where I am. I can tell you and try to show you what tragedy, what imperfections, and what pain really is, but you have lived a life of a perfect world where your means of pain barely fits within the definition of my own.

I don't claim to be better because I lived my life in shambles, emptiness, and despair. In fact I hold a bit of jealousy because you lived a life that's superior. But you have hounded me... us because we failed more than once. Because we slipped, we claimed our avarice, because at time we just lost ourselves in our own imperfections.... because we lost ourselves in our pursuit of happiness... you say we are capable of hurting people with our greed.... with our flaws... have you looked in the mirror lately? Have you truly sat there and tried to see things from our stand point? My standpoint?

You claim your grounds. You say your existence meant good things. You stay despite at the behest of the broken, the damned... you gloat, you smile, you serenade me with the memory of my failures and what I will never be in this lifetime. You remind me of what I'll never have and not once have you tried to even remind yourself that you are human... a human far blessed but still capable of causing despair.

It is not my job to judge you, but it is my job to claim my grounds that I have lost. It is my right to tell you that you do not know my life, my place, my world, and the people that are in the same world as me. We are broken, lost, and at times foolish. We make mistakes, we are incompetent at times, and there are times when we will regret our actions. Some of us move on, some push it away, and there is me who will live in that regret everyday.... But I know my mishaps. I know my faults... and I live to admit them until the day I die.

Perhaps I am truly lost. Truly wrong. Truly inadequate.... And perhaps you have your right to smirk until the last of the stones that once held bridges sinks within the weight of my mishap.

Know this, however. Your second life will resemble this lifetime of mine. You will know what starving means. You will know what betrayal means. You will find out what losing someone truly means. You will know lies like no other. You will shed tears that will cause your mind asunder. You will feel emotions that are so heavy that it will encumber your chest to the point where you cannot breathe. And you will walk the same unforgiving ground I am walking in.... and we will see if your heroic judgement will have a place after all.

Masterless: "In My Time of Need"

Dreams

I remember it was just like yesterday when my world was complete. I had my doubts, my fears, but the earth below me was steady; it held my weight and it allowed every step to move me forward. I had a means. I had a purpose. I had strength. Something inside allowed me to look at the day with elation. My world was coming to. It was assembling.

I had people beside me and behind me. In front and all around me. They were there. There were friends. I even managed to rebuild my broken family, and while things were not perfect, the days seemed to promise anew for our bonds.They were there. And I felt safe.

Love.

Hope.

Friendship. 

Trust. 

Loyalty.

Laughter. 

There are a plethora of words to describe everyday. I was willing to project each emotions, I failed at times, but more often than not I could make one smile. I made many laugh. I bought tears of hope, joy, and compassion. I had a purpose. Everyday would mean to renew that purpose. Everyday meant that I would define myself again

But fate would have it that the ground would shatter, the foundations started to collapse and every step I took pushed me further back. I fell. I lost. I mourned. I drowned. My angst. My pain. My past. My sins. The dichotomy of hope and despair became a blur. And in that moment, I felt the weight of the world; My World. My being. My purpose. It all came crashing down and it encumbered me. Suddenly waking up was harder. And harder. And harder. Everyday was a burden. Everyday felt like it might be the last for I didn't know how to cope with it anymore...

In My Time of Need I searched for them. Friends. Family. Loved ones. I weeped. I begged. I showed them my pain. I showed them all what became of me. I showed them all what I am now. They saw the broken person that once was the opposite. I showed them all so that they would know that the person who was trying desperately to make a better world was now drowning in the purpose that failed; They saw the person that could not piece together anymore... I saw them. I felt them. I spoke with them. And In My Time of Need, I felt that perhaps all of the pain wasn't for naught.... but I was wrong. 

Hate.

Despair.

Betrayal.

Lies.

Unfaithful.

And more Mourning.

In My Time of Need the people drowned me with their pride, their sense of righteousness, and some even turned their back, giving up on the person who once had a purpose. I am flawed, weakened, and certainly unable to grasp the meaning of what was. My world was in shambles and in my time of need, they all shunned me. Their motives, their greed, their own self growth became their only means and I was just a mere apparition. I am no longer anywhere close to that person I was.... and for that everyone shattered the remnants of that person; the last ounce of 'him' that I was holding on to...

Life was never simple. Never expected it to be. Life never truly was perfect. I had dreams once. I had goals. I had a meaning. 

But those aspirations are mere ghosts now. Just a haunting of the person that once was; the person that everyone shunned and forgot. And as I drown in the failures of my lifetime, I will always remember them; the people who turned their back, fought me when I was weak, claimed they were better, demanded retribution on a failure that I could not prevent, the people who wanted me to pay for things I didn't do.... the people who never really fought for me.

In My Time of Need, none of them were there. All of them had a vindictive purpose and none of them was for my benefit. As I crawled towards you for refuge, chagrined and imploring, they went about their ways: they spited me, abandoned me, lied to me, chastised me...

I hate all of them. And this hate will carry on. My hate will be my own drive until I am no longer, whether it be today or another day.... I will remember. And I will collect what is owed to me in this lifetime or the next. Even if I kill the Devil and God in the process, I will get what is owed to me. 

For what they have all done, they will feel everything I am feeling and a thousandfold. I swear it.

Masterless and Rage.

...DEFINITIONS...

Once upon a time, in a time long forgotten, there used to be only the definitive of a Masterless warrior and a Testament of Rage and they wandered the realm of whatever ink would draw for them, and in those times, they were young, wild and free. Though stuck with the three said words, they were also gallivanting within each other's frame of mind, infatuation, and inebriation. They were in lust... sometimes in love... and many times abhorring the company of one another. 

They were US.

We always had an ordinance that we went by, didn't we? People came in went. Stories ended prematurely and chapters are  exonerated as if they are sins of our own. While many things and so many people are finite, you and I will always be, forever in the shadow of one another.

One who abides by destitution. The other seething with fury. Both sensually engaged within each other's exuberance.

But something changed... didn't it? Something else seemed to have defined you and your armor that you dare put up; making adept out of your insecurities(Yellow). Something gave you color; elaborating on an insipid and yet astounding shade of blood of yours(Blue). Of course there is the inextricable one who sees through you and finds me(Purple).

Stories; fictions; as you and HER have already exponentially stated... The Bonds That Defines you... intertwined.

As we have frolicked within each other's comfort, alas I believe that we can dubiously say that we have found different shades of red, you and I. Well, perhaps you more than I. Victory can only be led by the ones who are governed by conviction. I do not have that conviction, I just have you, Wingless Angel.

But wait. There is a distortion isn't there? As much as SHE is yours and she's in your head and vice versa...

The bonds that defines us intertwined indeed...

Who do you think holds the shield while you are bound to your ... peril? In the fiction that we live and in the greatest roles that we have played thus far, who do you think will be the one to comfort her when the one who gets it right isn't there?

The tangled web we weaved in that story.

Masterless and Rage.

MASTERLESS -Destitute of a master or an owner; Ungoverned or Ungovernable.


RAGE -Violent or uncontrollable Anger.