Masterless and Rage

What? Why are you knocking? 

I had a dream. Something I haven't had in a long while. 

You've had this dream for a long while now. Why come to me now with this?

She seemed stuck. Like a message that I needed to go back and ... do something. Something that may realign certain things. I have tried to ignore it, but it seems to just be there.

You must be out of your mind.

When was the last time we had a message like this? When was the last time I Dreamed of something so clear? It was asking. Pleading. It brought back feelings that haven't been there in such a time. 

Dreams do that. And maybe this dream has that significant meaning like before, but may I remind you that consequences of chasing dreams. Of reaching out and seeking. 

Have my dreams ever been wrong? In context, from how we deciphered them, had they ever been entirely out of the question or the path it was trying to lead us? 

Your dreams always told you of a path, but it never told you about the others and how they would react or how they wouldn't. It's not like acting on those dreams paid off. 

But What if? 

You know what you were there? You know what you meant in that fiction we lived? You were a writing board; a blank piece of white board for everyone to write their oaths, their sentiments, and something to help them define how it sounded when they wanted to recite promises and acts of friendship. You were a definition. A building block. You were the REASON for it all. But the moment that they found out that they couldn't leave their doors unlocked, the moment they found out that life and friendship meant GIVING back and working for something, they left you high and dry. Which is why doing this, reaching out, trying all over again... it all means that THE HARD WORK is on you again. It's up to YOU to reach out again... only to be hurt and given the same answer all over again. Because when was the last time they gave a fuck? When was the last time their words of 'I care' meant something in the end? As far as I can tell, from this stand point, each and every one of them are just somebody that you used to know. 

And her? 

SHE made her bed. She chose her side for the sake of civility and to keep things quiet and not because it was right. So, yes, I know how you feel. But I'm not going to reach out to a dead end. I'm not going to work for people who won't reciprocate anymore. 

What of the dream? They're not going to stop, you know.

Keep them. Each dream is a bullet. Next life time, use them to reach out with precision.

Masterless and Rage: Within and Beyond

You ever thought about what it all meant? Like, you know, like how we used to? How you used to? 

I can't deny that the questions you are throwing at me seems to be.... implying something. Hinting at something within you that constantly devours you.

Piece by piece. Slowly, everyday. Most days I'm really good at holding them back. 

We've gotten accustomed to holding them back.

Because we've faced this same dilemma countless of times over. The feeling of... loss. The feeling of having fought and tried, lost and won...

Thinking we've climbed the highest peak and on the other side the fruit of our labor will greet us. 

That's what we were led to believe, right? Until we realize that on the other side,

It's more or less the same thing over and over again. 

A constant lesson to be taught and a pain to come to grip with. 

A feeling of desolation. Loneliness. A feeling of regret. 

And loss. 

A feeling that everything was in vain. 

......... So you still understand.

I still feel it everyday. 

It's slow, but it continues to eat you up... the only thing you can do is run... run faster than it can, fight it... and don't give it a moment to catch its breath.

Because when we give it that moment... this is what we feel. We see the truth all over again. We realize that despite it all, despite them knowing... there is not a single body that cares to make it right.

Because we are not like them. We cannot be like them. That is why we are easy to forget. To replace. 

But someday... somewhere beyond there's going to be a change, correct? 

The moment we are the catalyst of change.... it will all come to fruition. I swear. I will make it all right... we will make it all right at the behest of our vengeance. 

Masterless and Rage: Once

It was beautiful, once. 

For a moment. 

Are the moments only meant to last that long? 

Nothing is eternal. So to be terse, yeah, it looks like it.

Kind of cruel. 

But at least we can say, once upon a time, we were somewhere. 

I suppose we can take that as solace. 

We should, I guess. Better than hoping in something that won't be there tomorrow.

Masterless and Rage: Brand New Day(s)

So, here we are.

Indeed. But the question one must ask one's self is... where are we?

We are in a limbo. We are where we were going to end up after everything that has happened.

We are accepting it?

We are doing what we can to make do with the out come. It's not like we have a whole lot of choice, do we?

You seem a bit content for someone who felt the wreckage.

Who me? You've got that all wrong, you know. I'm far from content.

But you attained a sense of peace, I see. 

I must put my mask on pretty good that even you are fooled. I'm a distant world away from peace. I'm  not even sure that word is part of my vocabulary.

Well, you are faring better than you were before. 

So are you, you know.

What do you mean?

You still miss her?

Everyday.

You still want those times back?

Everyday. 

But what changed? Why aren't you scratching at walls, wrecking the pages, and screaming questions as to why it isn't how it should be?

.... I suppose the easiest way to answer that is... that I seem to have gained some understanding that perhaps it's supposed to be there when it is... rather than something that should be forced. 

Aren't you afraid of fallacies and curtains over what is back there?

If I spent the time lulling myself in fear, I would regress. And then I would succumb to all the malice my rage can omit. 

Then there you go. That is pretty much where my answer is. That's where I'm at, you know. Recovering, assessing, and just letting things go by as they come. Trying to deal with the bigger things that have an immediate consequence if not dealt with properly.

You still miss her? Yearn for what was? 

In a lot of ways, yes. It's not something that can just be forgotten. But in some ways, I have a sense of 'completion'. 

So... you believe the stories are over? 

I think for now, the stories are going to have to tell themselves. In this lifetime, it's not up to us to write them. 

So we just become bystanders? 

No. For now, I think we just have to live and see where this is going. I'm sure things have a reason.

We don't meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our paths for a reason. 

Read. Love. And Learn. 
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Masterless and Rage: This Day

There you are.

Here I am. Why do you seek?

You've been a machine. You're just on the go that... everything else becomes a blur. Everything that 'used' to make you, YOU, just suddenly became...

Expendable?

I wouldn't say that, otherwise you and I wouldn't be here in this moment. What I'm saying is that you've taken a considerable amount of your time hiding with how busy, your hobbies, and just flat out killing things that you used to feel. 

Hiding? I don't think that is the adequate word. I realized a lot of things. I came to grips with so much. I'm not hiding from anything, I just don't have the capacity to 'feel' things the way I used to. So I let myself indulge, enjoy, and just geek out over the things that really do make me happy. The things that are real to me. The things that I know will always be my comfort. They make no promises and then break it. They utter no vows and then step away. They don't pretend to be something and then run away when they are faulted.

Sounds like you are still targeting a few faces.

I'm speaking about the clockwork faces I have met in my lifetime. There is no difference with a hero, an eternal, or a friend who ran away... they are all the same. I have to speak of their crimes and their faults because that is what they are, that is who they are. They are common, clockwork, and parasites that I will continue to encounter. The difference is, they don't like they should anymore. They just... in some moments of my life, they annoy.

That might be true. And I'm not defending any of them because they are at fault; ALL of them. But you continue to walk this way, this path... and you'll just be Masterless. 

Rage won't do in this life, you know. Emotions are not something I need to have or indulge over when it comes to people and the woes that follow them. 

This road... are you sure this is the way? 

We know that the road we've taken wasn't. 

..... Very well. You know you can always find me if you need to. 

To do so would mean I still care that much. And lately, I have gained the uncanny ability to consolidate, terminate, and deem something worthy or not. I don't want to lose this person I have become. 

Then why did you stop just to talk? 

Because this day meant something before. Some habits, die hard. 

Masterless and Rage: "Closure"

I could spend a lot of time being mad. Frustrated. Disappointed. 

Why aren't you?  

Because that would mean that I care that much, when in all honesty, as I came to a realization that... what it was, wasn't even that special anyways. It wasn't something that I will lose anymore time over. This person did nothing special for me. I've heard lies and false promises before.

For a little bit, you wanted to try. Now that it ends up being another person walking away, why is it that it won't plague you like it always does? 

I fought my battles. I tried to fight demons that weren't mine. In the end, it's not tainted dreams. It was a person walking away with lies... not with a reason that was viable... as painful as the -forgotten- one's action was.

Clockwork people, right?  

Exactly. And I think I've spent too much time trying when in the end, it's not my Karma. In this chapter of a book I wish I can erase, I've done my part and suffered. WE fought for every one of them when they all took our struggle for granted. They did nothing but retreat, replaced, and acted like they were so much better when they failed so much more times than I did. So with that said....

For what they have done, they will pay the ultimate price?

Something like that. Maybe I'll hear Karma this lifetime. Maybe it's this lifetime I can laugh as they are on their knees, grieving as their most treasured one/s are lying dead in their arms. But perhaps it will be to the next. Maybe the one after, I'll be the one holding the gun, looking at a false hero as he mourns the dead loved one I shot in front of his eyes. 

Trying to be a villain, eh? 

Well, to quote a famous singer that came from a place that leaves their doors unlocked: "...Just so messed up in his mind, couldn't see what's inside mine..." 

That's usually the case. So, what now? What of mine? 

Something is amiss. That chapter has yet to end. But right now, I'm done with false heroes. I would have stayed up with him all night had he known how to save a life. Clearly, he didn't. Let's focus on what still is, shall we? 

Let's, then. To 2017? 

To 2017. 

Masterless and Rage: The Question

So you asked her the question.

I asked the question for you.

In this life time? Do you know how volatile things are right now? Do you know WHAT the thread of her fate gives her? Do you--

I know more than these questions insinuate. I know a lot more than I should even if I'm not entirely sure HOW I know it.

But... why? Why would you ask her that when you know the existence of that possibility destroys the possibility of yours and your own? 

Because when eternity fell... I realized that the people who are flawed, sometimes volatile, and perhaps misguided in the acts of avarice are actually the ones who will stand by you even if from a distance. That is a thousandfold better than standing by you just to stand against you when the storm comes pouring down.

But she didn't really stand against you, you know. She merely did it for her act of avarice as well. You should know that. Your Civil War wasn't based on what is face value but what is the actual reason. 

I know. But that event had ended when she didn't fight for what was supposed to be.

But you didn't either. You let it go. 

No, I didn't. I messed up... but and you were born.

........

Point is, your definition doesn't stand against the possibility next time, doesn't she? She is merely as she is and she just wanted to emphasize where her fate is this lifetime.

I know... but it was .... kind of sudden. 

It was also necessary just in case our time comes. 

Masterless and Rage: Words of Weight

It's been a long time. 

I've been caught up with so much. Lacking sleep. Unable to truly focus on what is and what isn't as of late.

And how has that been? 

How has things been with you?

More or less the same I guess. 

Still missing?

Of course. Those little windows of hellos, as occasional as they have been ... helps but it's not where I want it to be. 

In this lifetime, I don't think it's going to be that way.

And what about you? Yours? 

I'm still in the limbo. Still wondering why the hell did I ever give sentiments and try... when I'm the only one who seems to care and mean such sentiments and the only one who truly tries to be better. Everyone else is just there... boasting acts of 'doing so' and heroism and words of 'love'. In the end... I feel like... I... you... "we" are the only ones truly making an effort to make a better tomorrow... even being depleted and running on fumes.

What can we expect these days, right? If only friendship truly is magical as certain things dictate they are.

Friendship isn't magic. It is only truly magical if one does not have a bad side. If one ... is made out of false hope and obliviousness. We aren't going to be that, you know?

I know.

Funny... I seek for a few that share the same things as me... but also share the same weight with their words. People who know the meaning of honor and 'trying' to be better than their mistakes. People who try to be better than the tragedy that befalls them. People who are real... Real and not governed by self motivations of wanting to be heroic or ones who claim unconditional love.

You've been truly thinking about this the whole time? 

I guess I just needed a day to let this out. I've been ... thinking about my other group of friends. People who share NOTHING in common with me aside from mutual respect and the sense of 'trying to be better'. But they feast on a different hype. They aren't like me and I am the lone wolf when it comes to preference..... but they are true friends. Real people who aren't boastful because they want medals or praises.

Mine doesn't. She's just a bit ... lost and sometimes idiotic. Moronic maybe and ... not used to someone who truly means what they say outside her concept of 'love'. I don't really think she even knows the meaning of it. She's just as lost as the rest of them but at least...

... She tries. Funny thing. This year is about finding out that no matter how hard you work, how hard you endure and try... the people that say they'll be with you are truly just there when they share a certain image. No one tries to live up to their word.... they're just as false as one's second life. Avatars. Fluff and dementia.


So where do we go from here? 

This year seems to not be as distorted and taxing as the last one... but as I said... we got to realize what generally peoples' true colors are. So from here... we just keep going... if not for us... for the legacy.
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Masterless and Rage: In The Wake Of

Sentiments. Salutations. All are met with silence. I was always told that acknowledgement on the most grand of day must always have a reply of some sort of gratitude. Something so small is the most common courtesy shared by all men, virtuous or not. 

I agree. But perhaps your Civil War has destroyed a lot more than what was willing to be endured. Perhaps at the end, the battle was not worth it.

It wasn't "MY" Civil War you know. I didn't attack. I defended. I was defending to keep the integrity of one of my last pillars up. 

It was a battle you already knew you won, you know. It was something that you didn't need to defend because you knew what was and what wasn't. 

Perhaps. Perhaps not. But at the end of the day I proved my point. 

Yes you did.... but that ultimatum came with a price. I'm surprised you didn't give in to it. 

Because your definition shows change. Your definition showed her hands, her faults,  and constantly tries to be better even if bad habits are still about her... like they are with us. At the end, I saw no reason to agree. 

We have some reasons to let her go too, you know.

Are you insinuating that we should? 

Isn't that what you wanted? For you and your other to cut ties to the empire and finally just be you and her? She gave you that option, that road. It was there for the taking, and yet you did not do it.

In the wake of all the debacles, I came to realize that you are a pivotal part of the lifestream. You are a reason as much as you are a definition now. Besides, it was another point to show that she and I are similar in so MANY abysmal ways. Something that no pride, no cape, no cowl, no plots, not a hero or a villain can take away from us. 

So what now? In the wake of all this fighting, this is what we have. 

You get silence from that side. Perhaps it's time for you to really stop worrying and count your losses. 

Or perhaps it's time that is needed to heal.

Don't be naive. Pride does not allow one to walk on two legs when one has breathed the clean air. You're not that kind of amazing person, so don't fool yourself.

....... perhaps. Perhaps not. What about you? What will you do now? Will you finally fix your side while you leave me to my own? Will you finally be at peace with what you have gained here? Are the shattered pieces enough to sate your hunger? 

Don't be a fool. This was not what I wanted.

It's what you perpetuated. 

I was not the only one. But regardless. I will fix my side and continue to see where my road takes me. I will leave you be and perhaps this might be one of the last of our conversations for a while. 

That's good, you know.

I agree. When we meet... it usually means that there is turmoil. Rest easy, then. 

You as well. 

Oh and if you find a way, or discover it's just 'time'... or when you get the true answer of finality, expect a 'I told you so'. 

With you, I already know.

Masterless and Rage: "Nature"

"What is better: to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?" 

I'm sorry, was that question for me?

A Great Dov once said asked that to a particular person that was either meant for heroic things or... fall into atrocious acts of avarice and self gain. I guess that part is up to the whim of the player.

Oh I remember. So what is the point of this? I hope you are aware that I am so tired of fighting nowadays. I just ... I just want to see where this all goes without constantly fighting and fighting and fighting.

That's the problem. There will ALWAYS be fighting when one challenges something that he does not understand. Claims grounds BEFORE his existence. Heroes in a group with three VERY selfish people who are TRYING through GREAT EFFORT to be better...... yeah. One is just BORN good because of fortunate programming. One doesn't even have to try and he is serenaded with bliss and praises of good because people just see him as 'good' outside your group. There is no enduring in that. That is just vanilla pre-programed notion. It's like playing Skyrim as A Nord and following EXACTLY how the Nord default player is supposed to be. 

Why does it bother you so much? You know what she has for you. You know she loves you and he is only just a brick in the wall. Might be a bit decorated, but a brick is a brick regardless. Replaceable, expendable, and in the end, NOTHING like you. 

You know your definition would NOT have done what she did without you, right?

Of course I know that, stupid. It's just... I'm tired of fighting. Let one have the victory and belief of something even though it's quite obvious of what is and what isn't. I'm not that naive. I may want peace, but I'm not that naive. I am still the bonds that defines the team. And I know that without me, things would have fallen apart a LONG time ago and my little Kitten would have left... hell she almost decided to abandon the idea of that side. She was close to, actually.

And yet here comes the moronic hero thinking he knows her too. Funny if this is read because he'll use this as a means of us stabbing the idea of peace. Here's an idea. If one hates alcohol, why go to a damn bar? Anyways... "can't move past mistakes', I quote... least we see our damn mistake and don't claim we are so perfect. We try every damn day to be better while this one thinks it's a victim circle. Puts contingence on you and your definition because he didn't do anything wrong. He neglects the idea that he wasn't good enough for your definition and fought and challenged you when all you needed was someone to help you point at a direction to fight for. You want peace? This is a two way redemption. It's not just on you.. on us. This will only work if BOTH seek to be better. This one just seeks an apology in the form of actions not words and he is to dull to admit it that it's what he wants. Too self righteous. 

Lots of things said that seems promising. I'd like to think that despite the heroic antics, there is some truth to the words that was said on his part. I felt emotions on some of those words. It touched me. I ... I really want to start healing the broken grounds and mend the team. My Team. It's possible... this is just the ... biggest wall.

Well, I have yet to see some truth to it. Again, here we are trying through great effort to be better than what we are.... but here he is just merely sitting there just 'good' because he doesn't know anything else but good. I hope he gets hit in the head with a brick on the way to work and wakes up with a gigantic bump in the head. It might remind him that sometimes, life is real below the clouds.

You are cynically troubled, you know that? This I might add is an example of making it hard to gain peace. 

If I had the means I would be using my fist. But.... yeah not this lifetime. But tell him to quit thinking he has everyone figured out with his analytical views of 'she's afraid because of this and that' and the whole 'she'll shut you out plain and simple'... that kind of talk is why your Kitten gets rubbed the wrong way. Arrogance and walking on clouds that aren't even his. He learns to be human, then maybe, JUST maybe, this side will see him from something else than a self-indulging 2-dimensional, self righteous hero. 

Masterless and Rage: Wages of Heroism

What are you trying to do exactly? Are you trying to be a hero? 

No. You're fully aware of the fact that I am not capable of being one. I am too selfish, too destructive, too flawed, and much too tainted to even cross that line drawn in front of me.

Then what are you doing trying to patch things up? Trying to mend a battle that isn't yours to fight? Trying to make a picture 'real' when it was never truly given breath because it wasn't meant to be?

Because perhaps .... I think there might be a reason. Because despite it all, maybe, just maybe...

You're trying to be a hero. 

I kept the whole thing afloat. Held the grounds with my barehands and levitated it with my wings. Isn't that a testament of heroic antics? 

No. You know why you kept it up. It wasn't for heroism either; don't fool yourself.

..... I did it because it was my story. I did it because it had something for me. It was fun. And in more ways than one, I adored and cared for the lot of them....

Yes. If it is for that reason, then mend things and help, but as your definition told you, it's not on YOU to patch things up between the two of them. Don't be a hero. We aren't meant to be like heroes. You and I don't stay in the fight so that we can have a 'special perfect' group of 'super friends'. We stay... we fight because we want to fight. Because we have a purpose. Heroes stay and fight until they lose then they fly away to a new city where they can be embellished and revered. A place where they can have all the moral support that casts them into a 'perfect person who is untarnished and knows all'. Where they can flaunt the definition of enduring without being ACTUALLY challenged to endure. 

You've made your point. I am not a hero; nor do I claim to be. I am a villain trying to be better than yesterday. Trying to make things right as best as I can to benefit me and everyone who choose to benefit from me.

Then why are you doing it then?

I do it for redemption. 

Redemption has to be a two way road. At the end of the day, who is still here? Who is still trying to redeem? Who is TRYING to live up to their word DESPITE imperfections? Who still gives you words and inspiration? 

You know the fucking answer to that. 

Yes I do. But You need to remember WHO is the one reaching out now? At the end of the day, it's the person who still tries to keep their promise you know. It's not the one who flies away because for once in their life they faced someone who can't see them as a testament of perfection. Because one chose to challenge you, they are given the feeling of failing, and even then they can't face it despite failure being the threads that made the cape and cowl. 

Masterless and Rage: A Small Victory

One say that the story is meant for four; that without the four, there would be no story. The other one believes that the true nature of the story is about my relations with the three and how I held it all together. Yours.... yours believes in indifference but acknowledges that there are still other characters even if the story is about me. 

And what do you believe in? 

It has always been my story. It has always been my burden, my sole purpose, my only reason to even have a defined existence. The story is best told from my point of view, my hand, and my words. One can chastise and disregard that fact, but without me, there never would have been the small victories to take. 

For a team who is named after the thought of winning, you sure all lost quite a bit in the process. 

I held the foundation... I carried the soil they all depended on but unfortunately, I couldn't carry it all after some point. 

Your armor had leaks... dents...

Eternity collapsed and from there I couldn't fly nor fight anymore. I started to become distorted. I started to lose myself... and in the process... I Lost. 

I lost.

But in my time of need, when I needed people to fight for me it all turned against me. One fought me, challenged my definition, my meaning, my saving graces and what I knew. The other nearly gave up and ran away. Then yours.... she was never in the fight; she never fought. She merely just retreated. 

In our time of need, we didn't need them. We needed ourselves. 

But I needed something to fight for when the night came. When your fight was over for the day, I needed something... and all that.... challenged... abandoned... forgotten. 

It's a story we all know. So why are you here now? Why do you still care? You're no hero. You're not even close to it.

Stories are best told from one who isn't 'bred to be perfect', the one who suffered and lost... those are the stories that truly define the plot. A plot driven by a character... a character so jaded by life and decided to fight still.... no origin of a hero can truly outshine a villain's who is trying to be better than yesterday. I care because I fought for it. I care because I gave myself to it. I care because... I had hope. I care because the times she is able to come back, I feel guilty that it all collapsed and I wasn't able to hold it all together. 

She never really cared about the empty chairs. She truly only wanted it to be a table for two. Just like you. 

In that sense, we are a bit different. Part of me wanted it to be four.... but I suppose that wasn't meant to win. Not when only -ONE- fought for four. 

And amidst all that, people started moving on anyways when they felt the ground collapsed. When they found out you couldn't carry it, they flew off to the better yesterday where there is no strife nor despair.... the place where it takes no work to keep together... because that's what heroes really want. They don't want to fight when no one sees them as a hero... they want to fly have the little ones below them venerate at the sight of their capes and cowls. Heroes are cowards. Heroes aren't like you and me. And then the other never really believed in the story. She followed for me but when I was lost, she left a LONG time ago. So you are the last. The last Vixen. The last one. 

For being the last, I am rewarded with the memories off it all. I grieve. 

Try not to as much. She's still there for you. She still makes you smile. Despite all the barbs and all the aspersions... as she said, who is still left to keep some of it alive? 

She and I. 

Then that story has a victory. 

Masterless and Rage: Webbing

What if there was a way to take all the good times, all the things that were real, all the things that made it all worth it and put them all in one moment together. To take everything, everyone, every sentiment, every word, and put them in one place so that we can all enjoy it. So that we can all remember it and cherish it. What if that was possible? 

If that was possible without consequences, I'd say it might have merit, though I will say, I do not think that is a good idea at all. 

Why do you say that? 

Think of all those moments, think of time as a web. Each constructed line is a memory--moments; each are filled with those that you cherish, despise, and/or just experienced. If what you want is to pull them all into one moment, gather them all so that they would exist at the same time, then the foundation of the web would be strained, ripped, and perhaps even destroy the entirety of the said web in the process.

Pulling it together you say might strain the foundation? What if the foundation itself is already destroyed? What if the end of the web is already a beautiful disaster? Something that is only upheld by wishes and wants of the past? Or how about the only worth now is living vicariously through the next? 

Strain it. Destroy it. That is what you are going to do, you know. Something that won't fix what you and I are lacking and yearning. 

And your means of undoing it altogether to start anew is any different?

It's the idea of some of these events to never happen at all that makes it different. To have the option of preventing the web to be drawn out, to mediate how each line and each pattern sprout out... to be the one to actually move the spider's intent... well, that would have taken so much angst, pain, and despair away. You are simply thinking about pulling each line, ripping one foundation from another, forcing a pattern to fit into another. It will not work. You can't take away the fact that you were still the one that held those times. You were the one that kept the web in place. You are the reason why the web is in place. You were the one WHO FOUGHT while others gave up, got scared, or challenged you. You tried to spin the web and so many factors spat in your face. So much intentions going against you. So look at it now. Life took others. Then there's those who have all the sentiments handed to them and they shun you away because you are not like the others. You see things in blood, rage, and despair. You are not kindred spirt or benevolence. 

Do you remember Charlotte's Web? 

Who would forget that tale? 

She spun words on a web so that Wilbur would see the winter. So that the pig would see the end of his life in a more 'natural' way. She spun the words that inspired so many. 

Your point? 

What if I try and spin the web so that we could all see next time? 

That has to be on them to. If they are willing to acknowledge, redeem without fighting, and allow themselves to see what you are trying to do.... then perhaps next time.

Well, I suppose that is it, right? I can't do it all by myself again. 

But it has to be you. Everyone else gets it wrong. 

Masterless and Rage

It wasn't supposed to be this way. 

I know.

She suffered enough. She went through so much and she shouldn't even be going through this. She should be that much closer to her happiness.

I know.

She didn't deserve this. 

I know.

I.... I just wish there was a way to just... take away the pain.

I know.

But I know she is strong. Far stronger than me. I know she will have that ever so vibrant smile again. That optimism. That personality of hers that just never seems to fall short of happiness despite it all. That smile which sometimes hides the strife she has inside. I know she will get through this.... I know she will.

I know.

But next life time, I will do anything to make her happy. To make sure that no one gets in the way of what she wants. I will burn the whole city down to show her the light. I will force anyone to be on their knees so that she may feel tall and strong. I will take anything for her. Use everyone for her. That is their fate.

....... I know. 

And next life time, for what they have done, they will pay the ultimate price.

.........

Masterless and Rage

You give in to the part of you that is still alive, and this is what you get. The other side is laughing, living the life that was never going to be who you are. Smirking. Fraternizing. Rebuilding something that was already made possible during the times of your fall. I told you. I always told you. 

Had to try something different, you know. Had to make it be known. To at least shed some of this armor that I put up and see a glimpse of what is inside of me.

So and then what? You get rewarded with a shrug of a shoulder? I already told you. What is wanted is something that you don't have. What is not wanted is something that lurks inside of you that s/he doesn't believe in anymore... then again, how can it be believed? You were using.

So were you.

As I said, why even bother when you know the battle is going to be one sided now. It's going to be on your shoulders to uplift the world again. Something that you have done the whole entire time. 

I carried it all once, remember? I'm sure I can do it again.

You are weakened. And we are going against everything else when before you were only going against your own rage. You can't fight this battle. No one will fight with you. You want to be the center of amusement? You want to hear and see silence? You want to be governed by trying to redeem when redemption should be on both sides? As you already saw, one doesn't believe that those times were also at his disposal. That he would give all these sentiments but in the end would fight you just for a simple step. What do you want out of this? Why do you want this? You are already shunned and considered 'unimportant'. Replaced. Expended. And not allowed to reclaim your throne because yours was demolished and replaced by the happy go jolly optimism. You don't leave your guards unlocked at night and for that you are no longer worth the fight. That is what they are thinking. That is what he is thinking. Because he saw the side of your most cruel and destructive side, because you are not the perfect optimistic friend, this is your fate. Do you SERIOUSLY want this? 

I don't know a lot of things. I seriously don't. But I know that I can't leave it all behind the way it is without knowing I tried my best. I told them the end was coming, and it came. This is the aftermath of that. So here is the next part: what happens when it all comes down? Who will be there to stand up to the new when the fight for the greater good is not over?

How amusing. What if the others are now amongst their own sense of catharsis? What if the battle you fought are just mere memories for everyone else? What if you are the only one fighting a fight? One found a new. One is often taken away by the claims of life. Then of course her, she has her own priority now with the coming of a new and all.... Face it, this battle, this fight, this is your own now. You keep reaching out when the one you are trying to reach out for is already over it and has moved on, enjoying the feeling of a perfect world; the one which yours could never give just yet because yours... your group required and STILL requires a lot of work. You're trying at something that will fall because you are just a fragment of the past. Who and what you are, what we are, is no longer adequate or wanted. We aren't perfect. We have fallen from grace long ago. We are tainted by the vile things that life has thrown at us. For that, we are not like him. For that, we are not going to be able to be what you think you can make it to be. 

Can we at least try? Can there be something wrong with me giving it an effort when I haven't done so before? I was too busy building something with my other.... with my definition. Isn't it time to try?

That's not up to you now. As I said, what have you to give when one seems to have find his place. A place where you will never be: perfect, virtuous, and optimistic. You aren't special to him anymore, you know. 

I'm still special to me and so many others. 

Never said you weren't. But you are but a mere Fallen Angel going against gods' most favored people. 

Then god will bleed. 

Masterless and Rage

I told you. You're an idiot for trying.

Its what we do, is it not? We don't stop fighting. We don't just walk away! We keep doing what we are known to do and fight. Keep on fighting.

At the behest of whom?

We fight because .... you never know when it might be good for us.

There's no longer any use of it. That use has long been depleted a long time ago. We can't take advantage of a well that has no water in it.

I never felt right doing it. I felt bad. 

Well, we did it. And we got nothing out of it. Those were wasted four years anyways and you know it as well as I do. We should have just left in silence. We should have just done what we were going to do and we were damn close to finalizing it.

Yeah but you know.... 

You got what you wanted. At the end of it, there is nothing on there anyways. And your plans for redemption won't even come to fruition. The arrogant ass already moved on and found the next group to call his own. 

People move on, I know. And I know you know the feeling. 

Yes. But mine is real pain and it still hurts. That's just a plain comedy.

So what now? Now that we did what can to uphold the end of our bargain, what do we do?

We move on, my dear. We see what this road ahead leads to. My road and hers. Your idiot pet and yours. 

I see. But can we keep a little pocket universe? 

Sure. At the end of this long journey, you were right. You are the last. 

Has to be me. Everyone else got it wrong. 

Masterless and Rage

How hard would you have fought to keep something that you thought was worthy, even if it hurts every time you walk towards it? 

Is that a rhetorical question? You know how hard I fought. I faced her in her worse. I called to her. Screamed at her. Yelled to the top of my lungs so that she may reach me and I took in every aspersion and painful strike to our sentiment. I took it all. I bled.... but I fought. I kept on fighting. I wanted her to stay and as damaged as we are, we would repair. We would try despite the obstacles and all the things that are going against us.

It wasn't rhetorical. I wanted you to vocalize it. I wanted you to paint this wall with truth. Define it. I wanted everyone and anyone to know what it is to truly fight for something that you hold dear. 

You say that there are some things that cannot be healed. You say that the wound inflicted is deep and haunting. You say that parts of you truly did not see the value. How does one fight when flooded by those? 

You fight. You just keep on fighting. You pick up what is left and you fight. But first one has to acknowledge his fault. One has to drop one's pride and admit the wrong doings and the mishaps. It's not about begging. It's not about any of that. It's about dropping one's damn flawed pride and just fight against the hurdles and then stop fighting. Stop challenging. STOP PRETENDING that one's knowledge is substantial.... stop mocking what is truly definitive with one's self proclaimed omniscience. And definiltey do not come swinging at a foundation that would always mean more than one's self. There are no riddles in this. There are NONE. There is no grey. There is ONLY black and white. You see, at the end of it all, it's as simple as it is painful but if one TRULY holds something important.... if one TRULY holds the sentiment as potent as one has claimed it to be.... then one will just step on the ground and see what is and what truly isn't. 

You speak as if there is a chance. That you are still willing.

I speak that some frozen hearts can be thawed. I'm saying that in this fiction that we live... there is always room for grace. Sure, it takes you and I to define the path again, but it's not up to us to seek that path. 

And at one point, the path will close, am I right? 

Yes. But Hate can diminish. Wounds can heal. Sentiments can be regrown. I will only believe in the spoken tears and regret if there is a step for redemption. Otherwise it will always be a reminder of another wasted time. 

Would you fight under these circumstances? 

I have lived under these circumstances. Sometimes, it's against myself. So yes I would if I deem the end worthy enough. 

Strange. I have known this part better and I'm a bit afraid that one will just cower in the corner, learning a new face of regret. I know first hand that in this fiction that we live, no one has fought as hard as me. No one held the grounds like me. I am the definition of this... and I'm afraid only I will fight to keep the meaning alive even if it's just a table for two. 

I don't have high hopes. I think it will be pride or cowardice that will refuse the path set out. But we will see. At the end of the day..... What is truly worth when 'enduring' became just a fancy title and truly not an act of one's character? 

Masterless and Rage

What will you do now? Will you finally lay down your sword? 

I will continue to believe in what I believe in. I haven't been proven otherwise and with how this lifetime has been, the things I have seen and felt, the people I have met.... I don't think there is anything more to the world than what has been dropped on me. 

It's funny. 

What is?

You've become so jaded. You became the embodiment of hate, spite, and you have grown to mistrust so much... sometimes even in 'us'. It's like we switched. 

Yeah, we kind of did. The difference is I have embraced my flaws and my wrong doings.

So, you still believe in her? 

I believe your definition has given you something that she -never- gave anyone else in this fiction that we live. Her words are true even if her actions are flawed... much like you. It's the reason why I believe that she has a purpose for you. 

It's not just words too you know.

Oh I know. I believe that if a person truly gave something like that, it's more worth to you than other people. The others are regretfully just chapters, you two have and will always be the main story in that fiction. Everyone else had their own agenda. Don't ever be afraid of the consequence of what you two did. Don't ever regret the fact that she makes you feel something like you never felt... vice versa. She is special, far more than she has ever let on and made herself to believe. She is very flawed, but I think because you two accept it... you two accept your faults that are both good -and- bad for each other, you two can always have a story. The others are either lost or too settled in the tallest mount to even acknowledge things. And that's fine... which is why for YOU, you're only true meaning and priority will always be her. You met her for a reason... and as strange as this may sound, I don't think it was a complete total loss unlike the other rapports. 

That's a strange advice coming from you. My choices with her could very well be the destruction of yours. 

Maybe, maybe not. As much as I know other things, I can't say for sure in this. I only really know regrets and disappointments.... but just like yours, she made me feel alive. And she is as flawed as she can be, but she is who she is. 

Will you continue to fight? 

I will continue to believe and remind her that 'us' before anything was better. She already stated the words I needed to hear... she knows that your definition and everything entails with it, our choices, our sins.... the people that we met.... she knows and believes that if those never happened, she and I would be in harmony. 

And what of the last? 

She can smirk. She can sit on her horse. She can continue to be a hero, that's fine. I have already concluded that she isn't to be trusted and her spite for not being at a certain place with you, for being so 'infallible' that us 'flawed' are just mongrels.... well, it is what it is and perhaps the second life will teach a lesson that I can't teach. 

You agreed to give peace.

I agreed not to fight, that doesn't mean I lul myself from my beliefs. We are flawed... you, me, your definition, and my Angel of the Night.... we know it, we admit to it. Some of us didn't live a sheltered life and didn't have things handed down to us and we may be unfortunate, but at least some of us can say that we gained our footing because we fought. We are stepping on our grounds because we have beliefs that are real and our own. You have to remember, I used to be a hero... I know the err in those ways far more. 

I wish I could have fought. I wish the result was a bit more inspiring than what it is now. I wish that somewhere down the road in this lifetime that 'friendship' truly is magic.

In some peculiar way, I believe it can be. People just need to be a bit more honest with themselves and each other. And that fault is on -everyone- including us. We are all flawed and we all need to rise up against our own demons. We all need to remember the value of memories, words, and actions. 

Yeah. I know. So what now? 

I'm going to be gone for a bit. I'm going to be there for someone I have abandoned. Perhaps I can recreate more roads for her.

As long as you abide by her request of slowing down.

Hah. You're one to talk. 

Take care then. I suppose we'll talk when something disastrous has happened. 

Take care of her. Keep tugging at her. Help her remember when she finds the time. And watch out for the other.... and take care of her too. 

I will on both. The other did mean something at one point to you and me. 

Maybe to you. I can't honor people who chastised and look down on those who are flawed and continually make mistakes. Like I said, not everyone is fortunate to have a sheltered and good life... some have to work hard for where they are. I just hope that the damage by her existence isn't as extensive as I picture it to be. 

Didn't you say that your own will not take any aspersions when it happens? 

Yes she did say that. But still...... I wish I could have prevented it because only one knows just how much poison is being thrown about.... I was too late this time, and I will live the rest of my days with my regret and shame--and I will take it from here on out. 

Just go. =) I'll handle everything for now, okay? 

I hope so. But regardless.... Be malleable for this world. =) 

Masterless and Rage

If I can undo it all, if I can just keep thinking and remember about it, I think I would really just .... keep in mind who was truly there. Who had a real purpose. Who was really admittedly real and knew about the events that they were talking about... about who really knew what how it was like to be at fault and admit to it. To be flawed is one thing and it's hard to forgive; but to be flawed and deny it, that is the hardest to forgive. 

The story was never about four you know. You've made that perfectly clear lately. 

I'm trying to make it even more clear. I was gone for a long while and this the result. Things might not be the same as it was... the feeling is, it won't be, but I'm trying purge. I'm trying to remind the one before that life without the influence of that empire... before the fiction that we live... there was something about it. It survived, it's weaker than before but it survived the test of all the crap your definition has put it through.

So why not just be rid of me? And cut it all from the roots? 

Because your definition amuses me now. I honestly think there is still a purpose for it despite that years have made it weaker; and maybe this might be the year it ends, but you can't refute the fact that when you see her, when she talks, when she gives you all her puns, all her boasting, and all her shyness.... you smile. I even feel the reason for it. As difficult as she is, she is fragile, warm, and so flawed and you can see it. 

And what of you? What are you making out of all this? What will you do? 

I will do what I said I will do. The catalyst will surely make me adjust, but at the very least, I can try. 

Are you sure? At the end of the day, you know it won't save this lifetime.

No. Too many decisions have been made and too many things have been done. Too much time wasted. But at least I can make a mark in this one. 

And what of the other one?

If you really think about it, what has this person really done to make things better? A consolation price? Your definition wasn't on so who came in place? I wasn't around for my own, so she took the place? The pattern, the motive, the fact that she kept feeding the darkness in our time of need, self-righteousness and concealing information that could have turned the tide... this person was never really good for anything; she wasn't your friend. A good seller, but not a true friend. If I had the means, I would bring all the unjust this person has done and let it be this lifetime she feels the angst and the pain. Hell, I'd make it even less dramatic and just wish that life stops altogether. I have met people like these. People with a poisonous purpose; cowards and snakes in the grass. She's staying because she knows she can do damage. 

Are you not a bit daunted? 

Why? Because she's gathered up enough information? Spent months and months and months creating a 'back up' plan to do battle with something far more sentimental and powerful than her? I'm boasting. I'm letting this out in the public because I know I will make a difference. And as I said, if my fight is loss, then so be it; least I know I can say I tried. If she has corrupted the roots that much, then all to her. At least i know that in the end, I tried to be live up to my fault, fight for my cause, and truly was honest to myself and to my so called friends. A person who knows that they are the reason for things not getting better and yet decides to stay in the way is a person who truly is the definition of a fallacy; the one person we should have never met. The one person that truly was the true tainted mark in the fictions we were trying to create. Honesty? Give me a break. I bet she gets up in the morning and lies to herself in the mirror and recites just 'how good of a person I am' stupid speech. A person who has lived with doors unlocked and never really felt how it was like to be broken and destroyed, lost and confused, ridiculed and made to believe they were nothing; enduring is a different definition when one steps into my lifetime. But... something else is amidst the day.

Tomorrow is going to be the day.

Yeah. I know. Tomorrow is going to make a difference. 

Masterless and Rage

And what do you do when walls close in and you are on your own two feet? No wings, no helping hand, no one to fight by your side?

I guess that is how it has always been. You should know. You were the only that truly lifted all of you. You were the only one that really knew what it was to fight. To keep things afloat. Everyone else had different motives, opinions, and a sense of pride. Everyone built walls, you kept breaking yours down. 

I'm rebuilding some.

As you should. You fought so hard and in the end, nothing came of it. Nothing but a clear perspective that this lifetime isn't fruitful. This lifetime is just a mere apportion of what is to come next time. 

I would it could be different.

How can it be different? One has never truly accepted the definition of you. The other is so volatile and built walls despite how much she cares. The other has motives and a sense of pride beyond repair; one can't even apologize at the fact that it's a lot on him and the mess of his failures to protect your definition is at hand. He is the blight. He is the true symbol of corruption. A person who believes he has no fault and sits on his throne and pries himself into a lifetime that isn't his, that is a true stigmata of a person who has a motive beyond what he sells himself to be. Or maybe he is just an ignorant hero. One who has never felt true loss and sits here and tries to relate and be.

Everyone has felt the loss.

Yes, but not everyone has felt truly 'lost'. Not everyone KNOWS how to drown in sorrow and angst and come back to the surface. His purpose is questionable. And his failure to even apologize and even stand down his pride because he feels he has some kind of worth.... well... if he is reading this and is just merely saying all the things he usually says to refute his fault... trying to know things when he doesn't... well he's a fucking idiot and I hope he suffers in this lifetime and the next. Karma is a bitch.

You have so much malice that you can't even keep it in the parameters of 'the fiction that we live'?

I don't have malice. I have regrets. And I regret knowing these people. For giving you definition. 

My definition led to so much fruitful things for you.

Yeah, it did. But it also brought in some bad seeds that is corrupting the one thing I am holding some worth in this lifetime that is lost. I will rebuild and I will hack down the weeds.

And if she protects the poison as you call it?

Then my absence for your definition has led her to be desperate for a company. It's a shame that the company she kept is a person who is the definition of fallacy. Even he believes he is being honest when he speaks his words. If that is the case, then she will be lost as well and this lifetime is mine to live alone.