.:Masterless and Rage:.

"Everyone can just move on." I have heard this before. Frankly, I won't say I'm tired of it because I'm not. I'm more or less sad that it has come to this. "Everyone just wants me to gallivant around this empty space so victoriously when clearly there is nothing to be victorious about in this place. It is as it has been for a while now... just a shell... an empty shadow of what was."

I simply just keep drinking my beer listening to the fluctuation of her voice as it reaches a tone of rage before going back to despair. She is an amalgam of so many negative feelings and some positive ones. Can't discern which is which at times but it's quite obvious that she is mostly just disdain now. 

"That abhorrent moment when it was all coined 'victorious' was a freaking joke. An off the whim cry of a parody."

"You weren't there."

"And if I was there would it have made a difference? I mean, people hold that moment into sentiments when it's just a fucking shitty memory like the rest of them. A fucking insult because out of all them I'm the only one who ever had something to be victorious about. I kept my godamn promise. I fought vehemently and I got somewhere.... it all fell apart and I lost myself into this when everyone of them squandered it like my efforts meant nothing."

"We've gone over this before you know. I'm not entirely sure what else we can truly scrutinize with all of this."

"They all want me to just 'let it go' because there is nothing to hold on to anymore. All of them are ready for a brand new day and are so happy to finally walk without the shadow of yesterday's failures. That's great and all and I know that 'simply' moving on is a great thought in theory. They all do it... talking all jubilantly and acting fucking oblivious to what i carry with me because every waking and morsel of moment when the it's a gathering is SUCH a great testament that tomorrow is so much better. That last part was fucking sarcasm by the way."

I take in every word that she lets out. Again the tone she gives off is becoming less and less manageable. 

"Trying a new road isn't a bad idea."

"And everyone is so fucking on board with it and that's FUCKING great. But they tend to forget that I'm still back here hurting. I still hold the fucking riddles in my hand and it hurts every day and THEY just keep wanting to think that it's just all about moving forward and leave it all behind! And when they say they fight, they fight me instead of FIGHTING FOR ME!!!!"

"And the definition of that?"

"It's not up to me spell things anymore."

"They won't ever truly get it you know. None of them has seen and felt what you and I have. It's always going to be a foreign thing for them. They can claim how much they understand it, but in the end they truly don't. You can't expect that."

"No, but it's about time to expect something better for me in here. One appearance and everyone points at me that I'm the one who is questionable. I'm the maybe and the fragile and catalyst. Everyone brushes it to the side and keeps badgering me with the idea to move the fuck on."

"They don't know how you feel. That is the ultimate reality of it."

"Then why?! WHY do I sit here and have this hope?! WHY?!"

This is not the easiest question to ask me. I take a few moments to think about it before letting the words fly. 

"Because you don't want all that hard work to be for naught. And if you left now, despite what anyone says, you will be looked at as the one who couldn't move on and couldn't forgive and let go. That isn't something you want on your name."

"THEY'LL JOVIALLY TAKE THE MOMENTS TOGETHER AND FORGET I'M IN FREAKING PAIN. SPEAK OF FUCKING EVERYTHING BUT NOT OF MY TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS! THEY'LL FUCKING MOVE ON LIKE I'M NOT FUCKING SUFFERING AND THEY'LL JUST LOOK AT ME AS THE ONE WHO CAN'T FUCKING LET GO!!!!" 

"Well, that's on them. Whether they truly want to admit it or not, without you, there is no team."

"With me, there is no "Victorious Vixen". They get fucking hurt that someone deserves that title when the other one did the atrocious act because of a good cause."

"Yeah, I'm aware," She didn't have to remind me. "And that's the difference, and perhaps the ultimate meaning of the definitive end. If they choose not to fight without you in appearance and just happily move on, then the end would have been justified."

"I have a right to my regret."

Those words echo quite prominently. 

"And you have the right to your happiness."

"And that happiness lies in that one moment in time."

"I'm also aware of that."

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