Masterless: "In My Time of Need"

Dreams

I remember it was just like yesterday when my world was complete. I had my doubts, my fears, but the earth below me was steady; it held my weight and it allowed every step to move me forward. I had a means. I had a purpose. I had strength. Something inside allowed me to look at the day with elation. My world was coming to. It was assembling.

I had people beside me and behind me. In front and all around me. They were there. There were friends. I even managed to rebuild my broken family, and while things were not perfect, the days seemed to promise anew for our bonds.They were there. And I felt safe.

Love.

Hope.

Friendship. 

Trust. 

Loyalty.

Laughter. 

There are a plethora of words to describe everyday. I was willing to project each emotions, I failed at times, but more often than not I could make one smile. I made many laugh. I bought tears of hope, joy, and compassion. I had a purpose. Everyday would mean to renew that purpose. Everyday meant that I would define myself again

But fate would have it that the ground would shatter, the foundations started to collapse and every step I took pushed me further back. I fell. I lost. I mourned. I drowned. My angst. My pain. My past. My sins. The dichotomy of hope and despair became a blur. And in that moment, I felt the weight of the world; My World. My being. My purpose. It all came crashing down and it encumbered me. Suddenly waking up was harder. And harder. And harder. Everyday was a burden. Everyday felt like it might be the last for I didn't know how to cope with it anymore...

In My Time of Need I searched for them. Friends. Family. Loved ones. I weeped. I begged. I showed them my pain. I showed them all what became of me. I showed them all what I am now. They saw the broken person that once was the opposite. I showed them all so that they would know that the person who was trying desperately to make a better world was now drowning in the purpose that failed; They saw the person that could not piece together anymore... I saw them. I felt them. I spoke with them. And In My Time of Need, I felt that perhaps all of the pain wasn't for naught.... but I was wrong. 

Hate.

Despair.

Betrayal.

Lies.

Unfaithful.

And more Mourning.

In My Time of Need the people drowned me with their pride, their sense of righteousness, and some even turned their back, giving up on the person who once had a purpose. I am flawed, weakened, and certainly unable to grasp the meaning of what was. My world was in shambles and in my time of need, they all shunned me. Their motives, their greed, their own self growth became their only means and I was just a mere apparition. I am no longer anywhere close to that person I was.... and for that everyone shattered the remnants of that person; the last ounce of 'him' that I was holding on to...

Life was never simple. Never expected it to be. Life never truly was perfect. I had dreams once. I had goals. I had a meaning. 

But those aspirations are mere ghosts now. Just a haunting of the person that once was; the person that everyone shunned and forgot. And as I drown in the failures of my lifetime, I will always remember them; the people who turned their back, fought me when I was weak, claimed they were better, demanded retribution on a failure that I could not prevent, the people who wanted me to pay for things I didn't do.... the people who never really fought for me.

In My Time of Need, none of them were there. All of them had a vindictive purpose and none of them was for my benefit. As I crawled towards you for refuge, chagrined and imploring, they went about their ways: they spited me, abandoned me, lied to me, chastised me...

I hate all of them. And this hate will carry on. My hate will be my own drive until I am no longer, whether it be today or another day.... I will remember. And I will collect what is owed to me in this lifetime or the next. Even if I kill the Devil and God in the process, I will get what is owed to me. 

For what they have all done, they will feel everything I am feeling and a thousandfold. I swear it.