I've managed to be around for some of the nights
where exhaustion won't even let me close my eyes. It seems to me that it's a
clockwork haunting for me. To rekindle what I used to know to how it is now.
The end of this year is just around the corner and I was the one that dictated
that THIS was going to be the best year. To say otherwise in the life I live
would be an insult because I've had the greatest moment/s to share with
something I never thought I'd be capable of or even worth to have. My life
truly began to have full definition the moment I was able to hold her in my
hands. So here I am now, reflecting on something that isn't part of that
blessing... but the exact opposite of it. A life outside the world of
"Me".
I've gained another 'life' Almost two years ago. Or
should I say, I've perpetuated a habit that I gained some years back that is a
lot safer than most things I have delved into in the past. I wasn't up all
night watching the crystal glimmer and disperse in ghostly smoke. I wasn't up
all night like the moon glows searching for the next place to stay the night
with. I wasn't destroying every essence of my body just for the sake of lights.
I wasn't being how I thought I should've been. In the fiction that I lived, I
became what so many have said I should be doing because of my 'talent', and a
few said I'm not that good at… I played a role. I delved into a hobby that I am
TRULY meant to do NO MATTER what.
I entered another realm not looking for what I
found. I wanted something 'new' and something to truly accentuate something
inside of me that had always been submerged. But in the end I DID find it, and
what I asked from it was honor and to break the 'dreams' that have been
tainting me for far too long…. Trials. Tribulations and an infamous quote 'it
is what it is' is what I got. A quote that I still see as a foreshadow of
something bad to come; a scapegoat for lacking the ability or "the
want" to prevent something from being tarnished … Trials…
tribulations… and what did people expect of me? Everyone knew what I was going
to do. I was going to forgive. It's what I am. It's how I am supposed to be.
Everyone knew how it was going to end on my part…. I was going to give in
because I AM LIKE THAT. I treasure things that I vehemently deem
"worthy" because something inside me deters me from just… moving on.
But 'what if' I never was the same clock work and
predictable person? What if I wasn't so transparent and I was a bit murkier?
What if I didn't care in the end? They say the best things comes to those who
wait… here I am. At nights demolished by the moments. Those moments. Some say
those memories are gifts that were meant to implement a much more richer
'future'. But what if those memories are only for one person to cherish? What
if THOSE memories are mine and MINE alone; for my selfish pain while everyone
MOVES the hell on. How did it go again? Paying for things I have NEVER done…. I
have enough karma to pay for, and here I am paying for more and I don’t know
where the end of all this is. Riddles, I gave up on them a long time ago. Now
I’m the one in the middle of a few crossroads wondering if the fork in the road
is that ‘time of my life’. This coming year is a new year… do I want to take
with me the things that have poisoned me this whole year?
I DID everything I can to make this year the best
year in “that life”, but people… saw other wise. And I am left with the what
ifs, the should’ves, the whole “it is what it is” tandem. What do
you do when you are in my shoes? What do you do when you are the only one that TRULY
cares? I can enter the new year following the footsteps of a brand new day.
What happens when you are the only one REALLY defined by the bonds that are
shared?
It’s a new year coming up soon… And there is that
fork in the road. If I take one route over the other, at least I can truly say
that I DID IT ALL and everything else that came with it wasn’t good enough.
Someone told me that it’s not me, people just seem to want to disappoint me all
the time, and perhaps she is right. In this fiction I live, in this story that
was being told, maybe it was just a few moments.
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