Of Value

Maybe I was naive. Maybe I had too much faith. Maybe I believed that if I just put enough value to something that it would flourish... it would take flight; I believed that the gesture would be reciprocated! I thought we would be in a happier place if I just kept believing. Kept hoping. Kept fighting.

No. Not really.

Caved in by the constant broken words, the constant lack of proper usage of the tools presented, the world kept losing its foundation. Lies. Deceits. Pride... it's all that kept it all up. I'm the only one that really kept it all up. Everyone else either just sat there and 'listened' and offered ignorance... lack of action and true conviction. The other sort of help ran on silence. Constant hypocrisy and the inability to listen; unable to change.

I put a lot of value towards the roles we played hoping that despite them being small, they could create enough incentive to pull it all together.

So tell me, where is the value now when I'm the one falling apart? Where is all the energy I've put in? What are you all doing when the action is up to you now?

This isn't the time to cower and regress back to your habitual usage of hollow words. This isn't the time to simply 'sit there and listen'. Act. Do something to make this valuable.

Do something. Because I can't right now. 

Exhaustion

I'm tired.

I'm tired of having fought this for so long and in the end, it all falls apart. It's almost as if it never existed.

I'm tired of hanging on to moments, possibilities, meager hope.

I'm tired of hearing words that are broken the next day. I'm tired of apologies after promises are taken lightly. I'm tired of your words being so hollow... I'm tired of you not seeing just how much you mean  to me despite everything. I'm tired of you not seeing that every word that you break, every time you lead me on you keep destroying a foundation--- you keep making me believe that it's going to get better when you go back to the same circles of silence.

I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of clinging on.

I'm tired of people telling me they're fighting when all they're doing is sitting in the sidelines. I'm tired of you pretending you can help when all you are doing is just playing it safe, not doing a damn thing, thinking you're so much more than what you really are; given the tools and yet you've just kept it on your own.

I'm tired of these memories, these sentiments; tired of being the one that holds true to them... tired of being the one that really remembers the beginning.

I'm tired of wondering what that all meant; tired of thinking they have meaning when they are just complete fallacies.

I'm tired of knowing the this all in vain. This is just a space I scream vehemently at and on the proper eye won't even glance at this.

I'm tired. Tired of waking up.

Just one wish. Is that really so hard?

Just that wish.

...One More Day...

I wish I had one more day. That One Day. The chance. The privilege. A chance to perhaps take away the time that wasn't meant to be. The time where I can't be this anymore. Where this present day that I gained is not what it is.

I want that One Day where I sacrificed things back then. Endured things back then. I want to have done the things that would have made my future stable, fruitful, different, and where I can be frivolous without any care in the world.

I want that One Day where I can go back and undo some of the memories, the thoughts, and the emotions that I have gained being me.

I want that One Day to perhaps close the bridges, the roads, and all the access to people who I can't talk to as friends. People who aren't there. People who are happy now even without me there.

I want that One Day where I don't have to depend on the company of others. Wait for others. The time where I have myself, my extravagance, and all the riches and materialistic things I could ever want and more.

I want that One Day where I could keep my word and others don't have to lend me theirs because they are also fragile, inextricably filled with pain, and to the moments where my words are the only thing I could use to truly make me feel alive.

I want that One Day where the vow didn't exist. Because vows doesn't define the happily ever after; nor does it take away the feeling of being a pariah of my own home.

I want that One Day where I didn't set a life up for failure. That alternate path where my avarice could be free because deep down inside I am just that... greedy and self indulging.

I want that chance. I want One More Day...

It's too much to ask I know. It's too much rhetorical wants and needs.

But One More Day........

Wouldn't that be the catharsis I have been yearning for all these years?